Monday, May 31, 2010
I am Watching Lacrosse?
After returning from a long weekend in the mountains, I was going to blog about how I was watching Duke/Notre Dame championship lacrosse going into overtime. But it ended already, 5 seconds in, with a Duke victory. Hide your minority strippers!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Can the Brewers Start Heating Up?
The Milwaukee Brewers won their first home series since the first week of the season with a 4-3 win over the hapless Astros. And, yes, I'm aware that we only won because Rickie Weeks laid off ball 4 with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 10th. You know, if we had missed Oswalt's start, I think we would have had a sweep. In any event, the question now becomes: aberration, or the start of something good? Tonight, the Crew battle the Mets in the first game of the weekend home series. I encourage anyone in the Milwaukee area to get to the game tonight, as you probably won't see another pitching match-up as good as Santana v. Gallardo for the rest of the season. While Santana has lost a little velocity on his fastball, he still brings ace stuff. I expect a quick, low-scoring game. If the Brewers can pull this one off, look for the Crew to start their run back to .500 ball, as the pitching match-up favors the Crew on Saturday and is a wash on Sunday...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Who's At 15?
Our beloved Milwaukee Bucks hold the 15th pick in a draft that has, perhaps, 5 elite players followed by a tier of 10-15 players that are considered "very close" in talent and potential. One way to look at this is that, at 15, we can get a player who could just as easily have been drafted at 6. On the other hand, Yi was drafted at 6. As Bucks fans, we should hope John Hammond makes a pick that nets us a rotational guy. Anything above that would be gravy.
So, who's available? ESPN has a nice little rundown of the top 100 prospects. Right now, there are four players that intrigue me and could be available when the Bucks are on the clock later next month...
So, who's available? ESPN has a nice little rundown of the top 100 prospects. Right now, there are four players that intrigue me and could be available when the Bucks are on the clock later next month...
- Ekpe Udoh: The Baylor PF is a classic banger with great length and a propensity towards blocking shots. He's not a scorer, but he should be strong on defense and on the glass.
- Greg Monroe: A PF from Georgetown with a little more scoring but a lot less on the defensive end. He's also 4 years younger than Udoh, so his potential is (arguably) much higher.
- Ed Davis: Simply tantalizing. More raw talent than anyone else in this tier, but he couldn't put it together in two years at North Carolina, which usually means he won't put it together later. Still, he blocks shots and grabs rebounds. Could/should be a solid rotational player for a playoff team.
- James Anderson: A scoring SG to potentially replace Salmons. He doesn't have Salmons' jump shot, but he's got a bag of moves and ran up 22ppg last season.
Stern Lives
After going up 3-0 and 2-0, respectively, it was beginning to look like the Celtics and Lakers were destined to sweep through the Conference Championships and battle it out in the Finals for the 11th time. Not so fast. Despite a poor effort from Vince Carter (shown above), the Magic outlasted the Celtics in OT to send the series back to Orlando for Game 5 Wednesday night, thus delaying the inevitable.
But the question I've been pondering since Sunday is whether the Suns can sneak by the Lakers in this series. I think they can, but they must win tonight to have any chance at all. Nash's nose is broken. Lamar Odom should bounce back from an awful Game 3. And no way Amare gets 42 again. Someone is going to have to step up for the Suns tonight, and I suspect it'll come down to whether Jason Richardson hits his 3's. Stay tuned...
But the question I've been pondering since Sunday is whether the Suns can sneak by the Lakers in this series. I think they can, but they must win tonight to have any chance at all. Nash's nose is broken. Lamar Odom should bounce back from an awful Game 3. And no way Amare gets 42 again. Someone is going to have to step up for the Suns tonight, and I suspect it'll come down to whether Jason Richardson hits his 3's. Stay tuned...
Sports Blaw: The Rangers
As you may have heard, the Texas Rangers filed for bankruptcy. Bankruptcy is like a soup kitchen: You gather up all your chowder and wait for the line of creditors to come in and take their share. Who's the big stick in line? Alex Rodriguez, who is apparently still owed north of $24 million by the Rangers for that abomination of a contract (the first time athletic compensation was described in billions) he signed in 1965.
Unsurprisingly, A-Rod's an unsecured creditor, which means he has to sit back and wait for the creditors who have secured interests. Hard to muster any sympathy for him though.
Unsurprisingly, A-Rod's an unsecured creditor, which means he has to sit back and wait for the creditors who have secured interests. Hard to muster any sympathy for him though.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Links
While we continue to lose our will to live watching the Brewers this summer, we might as well check in on other Wisconsin sports news:
- Trevon Hughes worked out for the Bucks.
- The Badgers Men's Basketball team added a 6'-2" scoring guard out of Chicago to their recruiting class. Ben Brust averaged 25ppg his senior year and had five games of 40 points or more. He chose the Badgers over USC, so he may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer.
- The Badgers Men's Tennis team is having a great season.
- The Packers are trying Ryan Pickett at defensive end and Will Blackmon at safety.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Trevor Hoffman is Taking a Break?
Word on the street is that the Crew is benching the game's all-time leader in saves to work on his mechanics? Mechanics? YOU DON'T GOTTA WORK ON YOUR MECHANICS WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO BREAK THE RECORD FOR FIRST AND OLDEST PITCHER TO SURPASS HIS AGE WITH HIS ERA??!?!?!?!?!
All kidding aside, the Brewers look to be pretty miserable this year. It's a combination of the starting pitching, the bullpen, and every field player who's last name is not Braun. While the Cubs are also below .500 (confirming their status as the perennial best-team-in-February) they haven't been as spectacularly inept as the Brewers. Strap in, folks, it ain't getting any better.
All kidding aside, the Brewers look to be pretty miserable this year. It's a combination of the starting pitching, the bullpen, and every field player who's last name is not Braun. While the Cubs are also below .500 (confirming their status as the perennial best-team-in-February) they haven't been as spectacularly inept as the Brewers. Strap in, folks, it ain't getting any better.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
What are LeBron's Options?
Like every other sports blog, Our Dairy Errors is compelled to offer our opinions on the Summer of LeBron. After reading dozens of opinons, I've noticed that very few people are talking about James' basketball options. Sure, rumors are flying: World Wide Wes is shopping James and John Calipari as a package, James, Wade, and Bosh made a secret deal during the Olympics to play together, Delonte West slept with James' mother. But nothing is really helpful for the one goal James should have right now: winning a championship. If James does not resign with the Cavs, here are the most likely options everyone is talking about and each teams' estimated cap space:
The Nets and the Bulls are far more intriguing. My man Bill Simmons has been all over the Bulls' rumors for almost a year now. And kudos to him for that. Rose, James, Noah would make a terrific 1-3-5. Add a banger who can hit an open J at the 4 (Glenn Davis?) and an athletic swing, and you've got a championship team. What happens with Deng and Hinrich are questions, of course, but rumors are swirling that Deng will be traded to Toronto in a sign and trade for Bosh. That would seal the deal. No one would beat that team. I'd like to offer one last scenario in the event Toronto, or Bosh, won't play ball (Bosh could only get to Chicago in a sign-and-trade, so the Raptors *could* prevent the apocalypse).
Let's say the Nets, who had the worst record in the NBA this season, find their way to John Wall and the #1 pick after tonight's NBA Lottery. James would look at the Nets (who could also sign Calipari to coach) and see a young PG with unlimited potential (Wall's not the scorer that Rose is, but his defense is unmatched) a young C who doesn't need shots to be an All-Star (Brooke Lopez averaged 13 shots, 18 points, 8 rebounds, and 2 blocks per game this season) and a good scoring combo guard (Devin Harris is just one season removed from All-Star status). Sure, LeBron would rather murder Yi Jianlian before entrusting him to the PF spot, but the Nets still have Sean Williams (crazy, but all the talent in the world - if Lebron could get him in line...) and they could always pull a mid-level exception in year two for the aging PF du jour and be right in business...
On paper, that Nets scenario is right at the talent level of the Chicago scenario (without Bosh). It would also allow us to see the kind of trapping defense that is unimaginable unless you have John Wall, Devin Harris, and LeBron James at the 1-2-3. They'll be able to go crazy with Lopez and Williams (optimistic here) protecting the rim. The team record for steals per game in an NBA season is 12.9. While I don't think that team would set the record, they'd be as close to it (think about how ridiculous that record is - the warriors led the league this year with 9.28/per) as we've had since the 80s. That'd be pretty fun, right? But we all know James isn't going to choose the Nets over the Bulls based on steals. He would, however, notice that the talent was equal, and then follow the money. Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov now owns the Nets. Jay-Z has a minority interest in the team. The Nets are moving to Brooklyn in 2 years (mark it down). In this scenario, James gets the best of New York AND Chicago, all in one move. How does this not happen? People thought the '03 Lottery was the most important Lottery in NBA history. Well, James was the prize that year. This year's prize? For the Nets, it may just be Wall and James.
- Knicks: $33 million
- Nets: $26 million
- Bulls: $20 million
The Nets and the Bulls are far more intriguing. My man Bill Simmons has been all over the Bulls' rumors for almost a year now. And kudos to him for that. Rose, James, Noah would make a terrific 1-3-5. Add a banger who can hit an open J at the 4 (Glenn Davis?) and an athletic swing, and you've got a championship team. What happens with Deng and Hinrich are questions, of course, but rumors are swirling that Deng will be traded to Toronto in a sign and trade for Bosh. That would seal the deal. No one would beat that team. I'd like to offer one last scenario in the event Toronto, or Bosh, won't play ball (Bosh could only get to Chicago in a sign-and-trade, so the Raptors *could* prevent the apocalypse).
Let's say the Nets, who had the worst record in the NBA this season, find their way to John Wall and the #1 pick after tonight's NBA Lottery. James would look at the Nets (who could also sign Calipari to coach) and see a young PG with unlimited potential (Wall's not the scorer that Rose is, but his defense is unmatched) a young C who doesn't need shots to be an All-Star (Brooke Lopez averaged 13 shots, 18 points, 8 rebounds, and 2 blocks per game this season) and a good scoring combo guard (Devin Harris is just one season removed from All-Star status). Sure, LeBron would rather murder Yi Jianlian before entrusting him to the PF spot, but the Nets still have Sean Williams (crazy, but all the talent in the world - if Lebron could get him in line...) and they could always pull a mid-level exception in year two for the aging PF du jour and be right in business...
On paper, that Nets scenario is right at the talent level of the Chicago scenario (without Bosh). It would also allow us to see the kind of trapping defense that is unimaginable unless you have John Wall, Devin Harris, and LeBron James at the 1-2-3. They'll be able to go crazy with Lopez and Williams (optimistic here) protecting the rim. The team record for steals per game in an NBA season is 12.9. While I don't think that team would set the record, they'd be as close to it (think about how ridiculous that record is - the warriors led the league this year with 9.28/per) as we've had since the 80s. That'd be pretty fun, right? But we all know James isn't going to choose the Nets over the Bulls based on steals. He would, however, notice that the talent was equal, and then follow the money. Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov now owns the Nets. Jay-Z has a minority interest in the team. The Nets are moving to Brooklyn in 2 years (mark it down). In this scenario, James gets the best of New York AND Chicago, all in one move. How does this not happen? People thought the '03 Lottery was the most important Lottery in NBA history. Well, James was the prize that year. This year's prize? For the Nets, it may just be Wall and James.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Holy Peter King Batman!
For the uninitiated, Peter King is the head NFL writer at Sports Illustrated. Every Monday morning during the NFL season, and most Monday mornings during the off-season, Mr. King writes a column entitled "Monday Morning Quarterback." I encourage Packers nation to check out Mr. King's analysis on the top 32 teams in the NFL, where he wrote the following:
Well, the long and the short of it is Peter King is very good at writing about things that happened during a football game. His is not good at predicting what will happen on a football field (he had Pats over Bears at the beginning of last season).
Nonetheless, we should still be excited: the Aaron Rodgers Era is getting national attention. While that won't help us win any games, it will help with the bandwagon fans if we CAN manage to win games. With an uncapped year and a potentially uncapped future, the Packers will need all the additional fans they can find to help drive team revenue. So, Mr. King, thank you. Keep over-hyping the Green Machine...
1. Green Bay. It's not just the maturation of Aaron Rodgers. It's the carryover from a fluky end to 2009 (the weird playoff loss at Arizona) and the fact that only one team in football -- New Orleans -- had a better point differential than the Pack's plus-164 last year. I like Jermichael Finley to become a great player in his second starting season. I don't trust the pass-rush (where Clay Matthews is the only real thing), and I worry about two of the top three corners coming off ACL surgery, and aging. But the defensive front is formidable, and a very good match for the good run teams of the AFC North. I also like Weeks 2 through 5 on the schedule (Buffalo, at Chicago, Detroit, at Washington), which sets up for a strong start.I don't mean to alarm anyone, but that #1 in front of our team? That means he's ranking us #1 right now. To which I respond, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???" I mean, really? We're the favorites now? Aaron Rodgers hasn't won a playoff game. Donald Driver hit the age (35) where he really should start slowing down (I mean that literally - he'll be slower this season). We don't have a pass rush (which Mr. King notes). Our CBs are old and coming off injuries. Ryan Grant is serviceable, and a top 12 running back, but he isn't going to dominate a game by himself. How are we the favorites? What happened?
Well, the long and the short of it is Peter King is very good at writing about things that happened during a football game. His is not good at predicting what will happen on a football field (he had Pats over Bears at the beginning of last season).
Nonetheless, we should still be excited: the Aaron Rodgers Era is getting national attention. While that won't help us win any games, it will help with the bandwagon fans if we CAN manage to win games. With an uncapped year and a potentially uncapped future, the Packers will need all the additional fans they can find to help drive team revenue. So, Mr. King, thank you. Keep over-hyping the Green Machine...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Most Exciting Game of 2010 Playoffs to Date
It's 10-7 Celtics four minutes in right now. LeBron took a set-play behind-the-back and slammed it on the first possession; think anyone told him he has to get going early this time? I'm hoping for a performance that comes anywhere near Game 5 against the Pistons in 2007. It's unfair to even mention that (HBC and I watched the whole thing going nuts), but pretty please basketball gods?
UPDATE: 39-33 Celtics with six minutes left in the second quarter. You gotta feel bad for LeBron when he goes in fighting for a rebound on his own missed-but-tough lay-up with Varejao for at least three seconds trying to get an inch to do something, wings it out to wide open Moon for 3, and he airballs it basically back to where LeBron is getting totally clobbered.
UPDATE: 39-33 Celtics with six minutes left in the second quarter. You gotta feel bad for LeBron when he goes in fighting for a rebound on his own missed-but-tough lay-up with Varejao for at least three seconds trying to get an inch to do something, wings it out to wide open Moon for 3, and he airballs it basically back to where LeBron is getting totally clobbered.
Roy Williams: I Don't Suck
Roy Williams will "bet anybody in this world I won't be close to [dropping that many balls again in 2010]." To ensure his continued success and put himself in the place he needs to be for the upcoming season, Roy told reporters that he has "been catching 200 balls a week off JUGS guns during workouts and an additional 40-50 passes a week from Romo."
240-250 PASSES CAUGHT PER WEEK. Holy shit. That's like 34 passes a day. From a JUGS machine (which I imagine is a large-chested throwing apparatus) that must take all of 3 or 4 minutes of Mr. Williams's day. This is why Jerry Rice, Steve Largent, and Roy Williams are the top receivers of all time: That 3 to 4 minutes a day they put in during the offseason.
240-250 PASSES CAUGHT PER WEEK. Holy shit. That's like 34 passes a day. From a JUGS machine (which I imagine is a large-chested throwing apparatus) that must take all of 3 or 4 minutes of Mr. Williams's day. This is why Jerry Rice, Steve Largent, and Roy Williams are the top receivers of all time: That 3 to 4 minutes a day they put in during the offseason.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Badger Bookie: NBA Playoffs
With five teams left in the NBA playoffs (impossibly, there are no games tonight; instead I'm watching the UFC Unleased marathon leading up to the Ultimate Fighter on Spike, which is apparently airing in 2001 in LO-D) let's take a moment and assess the situation.
The teams fall easily into two categories: Phoenix, Orlando, and Boston in the we-thought-they-were-pretty-good-and-showed-up, and Los Angeles and Cleveland, ruh-roh-'rhampions. Cleveland must be at least 20-1 to win it all down 3-2 after losing at home in Game 5 by a bajillion. Boston? 5-1? Could brilliant young energy at point guard be more of a blessing for a team? If you leave 'em open, they'll kill you, but fuck my knee hurts and I just ran over here.
The Suns are trending up and the Lakers are trending down, but probably not enough to make up for where they started odds-wise. Lakers 5-2 and Phoenix 3-1. Amare still seems angry that people suggested he wasn't worth it at trade deadline time. Gasol is making a top-10 biggest ripoff trade of all-time look even worse (may I remind you that the Lakers gave up Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton, and Aaron McKie for his services; McKie has probably had the best career since without playing a game.)
Orlando isn't the favorite. 4-1? 9-2? I don't trust 'em.
The teams fall easily into two categories: Phoenix, Orlando, and Boston in the we-thought-they-were-pretty-good-and-showed-up, and Los Angeles and Cleveland, ruh-roh-'rhampions. Cleveland must be at least 20-1 to win it all down 3-2 after losing at home in Game 5 by a bajillion. Boston? 5-1? Could brilliant young energy at point guard be more of a blessing for a team? If you leave 'em open, they'll kill you, but fuck my knee hurts and I just ran over here.
The Suns are trending up and the Lakers are trending down, but probably not enough to make up for where they started odds-wise. Lakers 5-2 and Phoenix 3-1. Amare still seems angry that people suggested he wasn't worth it at trade deadline time. Gasol is making a top-10 biggest ripoff trade of all-time look even worse (may I remind you that the Lakers gave up Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton, and Aaron McKie for his services; McKie has probably had the best career since without playing a game.)
Orlando isn't the favorite. 4-1? 9-2? I don't trust 'em.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Division III Women's College Golf: For the Eye Candy
Division III Men's and Women's golf tournaments are going on this week. As a former Division III golfer (remember, unless you're a particular boss of mine, Division I golfers do it for the pride, Division III golfers do it because "practice" seems a lot like "free golf") I still keep sporadic tabs on the college golfing scene.
Women's Division III golf is pretty bad. The girls whose parents sent them to golf prep school are all on scholarship. Earlier today, 12 out of 105 national championship contenders broke 80. HBC can do that on a (fantasyland) on-day. This is not surprising.
What is surprising? three of the four top scorers are hot. Investigative journalist at its finest.
Women's Division III golf is pretty bad. The girls whose parents sent them to golf prep school are all on scholarship. Earlier today, 12 out of 105 national championship contenders broke 80. HBC can do that on a (fantasyland) on-day. This is not surprising.
What is surprising? three of the four top scorers are hot. Investigative journalist at its finest.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The Magic Make The Hawks Make The Bucks Look Like Poo
Turns out the Bucks got the playoff break of a lifetime by matching up with the team-that-didn't-show-up-to-the-playoffs-this-year. Giving up on Woodson? Who knows. The Magic make the Hawks look like children though (to be fair, odds on the Magic winning it all at this point? 5-1?) and the Hawks made the Bucks look like the Bucks (and not like that team that played the last 30 games of the regular season in green uniforms.) TNT did a bit on the Magic's ball movement versus the Hawks' isolation, and if it weren't developed and commented on by TNT, it may have been compelling. The instances were totally cherry-picked and unrepresentative, but the numbers (Magic assist on way more of their baskets than the Hawks) make sense.
Can the Magic repeat last year subbing Carter for the Turkish Gold? I don't think so, but I didn't think so last year either.
Can the Magic repeat last year subbing Carter for the Turkish Gold? I don't think so, but I didn't think so last year either.
The NFL Offseason Sucks
The offseason is so long, not even that picture of Governor Palin can handle it (though it looks like she could handle 3 other things). The offseason sucks so bad, this is your Packers' news from the last week:
- The Packers re-signed Daryn Colledge for next season. He was a restricted FA. The deal allows him to become an unrestricted FA at the end of the season.
- Greg Jennings was on CBS's Criminal Minds.
- We've got a punter "Duel" going on.
Who Does Craig Counsell? Lawrence Taylor
A regular guest column by Brewer infielder Craig Counsell.
It is always disappointing to see athletes make poor decisions when it comes to their sex life. Professional athletes often act as if they deserve all the pussy they want. Well of course they do! Unfortunately, to avoid media-enabled public scorn, athletes need to follow some rules.
As you probably have heard, Lawrence Taylor was picked up last week for having relations with a 16-year-old girl. With a bit of behavior modification, I think L.T. can avoid future scandal and still achieve the same degree of sexual gratification he enjoyed with minors.
Asians
Ever notice Asians look young? Look at So Taguchi. Dude is 40 but doesn't look a day over 12. Well the same rule applies to Asian women. They look like little kids well into their elderly years. Find a nice Asian woman and you are set for life.
Flat Chest
Asian women are usually flat-chested, so if you followed my first piece of advice, you can ignore this section. When girls become women, their mammary glands become enlarged. These milk sacs will be used to feed the babies that come out of their vagina. Underage girls typically have small mounds on their chest. Enhance your underage-like experience by limiting yourself to the A-cup women. Trust me, the smaller the better.
Hair Removal
So you've found a cute little small-chested Asian woman. You are convinced she will feel like 14 in the sack -- 15 tops. After a nice evening, say, things heat up and you are ready to hit that juice hole. She feels so, so young. And right. You get her completely naked and then your boner takes a big fucking nose dive south when you notice the large bush of pubic hair. What kind of underage girl has a bunch of pubic hair? Older ones and fakers. Shave that shit bald and you are back in business. But don't stop at the crotch. Nair her whole body if you have to.
Become a Catholic Priest
Admittedly, this is more effective if you like underage boys. Still, as the church becomes more progressive, we will see fewer alter boys and more alter girls that are prime for the taking. If they threaten to tattle, invoke the fear of God. And don't worry. If you get caught, the punishment is typically reassignment to some third-world country full of naked underage girls. The weather is probably better there anyway.
It is always disappointing to see athletes make poor decisions when it comes to their sex life. Professional athletes often act as if they deserve all the pussy they want. Well of course they do! Unfortunately, to avoid media-enabled public scorn, athletes need to follow some rules.
As you probably have heard, Lawrence Taylor was picked up last week for having relations with a 16-year-old girl. With a bit of behavior modification, I think L.T. can avoid future scandal and still achieve the same degree of sexual gratification he enjoyed with minors.
Asians
Ever notice Asians look young? Look at So Taguchi. Dude is 40 but doesn't look a day over 12. Well the same rule applies to Asian women. They look like little kids well into their elderly years. Find a nice Asian woman and you are set for life.
Flat Chest
Asian women are usually flat-chested, so if you followed my first piece of advice, you can ignore this section. When girls become women, their mammary glands become enlarged. These milk sacs will be used to feed the babies that come out of their vagina. Underage girls typically have small mounds on their chest. Enhance your underage-like experience by limiting yourself to the A-cup women. Trust me, the smaller the better.
Hair Removal
So you've found a cute little small-chested Asian woman. You are convinced she will feel like 14 in the sack -- 15 tops. After a nice evening, say, things heat up and you are ready to hit that juice hole. She feels so, so young. And right. You get her completely naked and then your boner takes a big fucking nose dive south when you notice the large bush of pubic hair. What kind of underage girl has a bunch of pubic hair? Older ones and fakers. Shave that shit bald and you are back in business. But don't stop at the crotch. Nair her whole body if you have to.
Become a Catholic Priest
Admittedly, this is more effective if you like underage boys. Still, as the church becomes more progressive, we will see fewer alter boys and more alter girls that are prime for the taking. If they threaten to tattle, invoke the fear of God. And don't worry. If you get caught, the punishment is typically reassignment to some third-world country full of naked underage girls. The weather is probably better there anyway.
Labels:
Brewer Porn,
HBC,
Who Does Craig Counsell?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
LaTroy Hawkins Placed on 15 Day DL with "Right Shoulder Weakness"
Ironically, the Brewers made this move retroactive to Friday, instead of making it retroactive to the beginning of the season. For two weeks, ODE needs to find Brewers memes to fill in for stories about the Hawk's much-anticipated and frankly unremarkable serving of meatballs. Jody Gerut (cycle club motherfuckers) and Gregg Zaun develop a shower rapport? Dave Bush mocks LaTroy mercilessly until LaTroy sexually assaults his family members? Stories about Oberon and Ryan Braun playing two-man walk the elephant? Stay tuned!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Hebrewer
In Greek mythology, the Goddess Aphrodite was Angelina Jolie, Cintia Dicker, and Marissa Miller all rolled into one. She was so breathtakingly beautiful that all the other Gods feared jealously would interrupt the peace among them and lead to war. They couldn't have that, so Zeus (the original P.I.M.P.) married her to Hephaestus, a God who looked like this former Buck. Basically, her "reward" for being so GD hot was to marry an ogre. Well, Aphrodite wasn't havin' none o dat, if you catch my drift. She played around on Hephy, taking Ares, God of War, as her primary lover. It makes sense that the most beautiful thing in the Universe would bang the God of War, right? But Aphrodite wasn't satisfied with just the God of War, she needed to get with a tasty little piece of a certain mortal.
Adonis got all the girls hot and bothered like it was his job. Straight up metro before his time. Aphrodite couldn't resist him, even though he was a mortal. The famous sculpture, Adonis, stands in the Louvre. While the original artist is unknown, we know it was restored in the 17th century by Francois Duquesnoy. As you can see from the image above, it has, very recently, been updated.
The Hebrewer is MASHING this year. Current projections: Old school - .359/28/134; New school - .359/.437/1.018. He's also stolen 7 bases without getting caught (on-pace for 39). This is absurd. Taking a look at his splits, I really enjoyed this: he's been up 3-0 and 3-1 16 times this season. He's walked 16 times in those situations. That's plate discipline. For a guy making $1,287,500 from Mr. Anttanasio this year, it's almost criminal. So while we're hanging around like a stale fart at 13-16, our setup man's ERA is 9.26 and our closer's ERA is 10.64, at least we have one good reason to go to the games. OK, two.
Adonis got all the girls hot and bothered like it was his job. Straight up metro before his time. Aphrodite couldn't resist him, even though he was a mortal. The famous sculpture, Adonis, stands in the Louvre. While the original artist is unknown, we know it was restored in the 17th century by Francois Duquesnoy. As you can see from the image above, it has, very recently, been updated.
The Hebrewer is MASHING this year. Current projections: Old school - .359/28/134; New school - .359/.437/1.018. He's also stolen 7 bases without getting caught (on-pace for 39). This is absurd. Taking a look at his splits, I really enjoyed this: he's been up 3-0 and 3-1 16 times this season. He's walked 16 times in those situations. That's plate discipline. For a guy making $1,287,500 from Mr. Anttanasio this year, it's almost criminal. So while we're hanging around like a stale fart at 13-16, our setup man's ERA is 9.26 and our closer's ERA is 10.64, at least we have one good reason to go to the games. OK, two.
Friday, May 7, 2010
"It boiled down to making my pitch, and I didn't."
Ladies and gentlemen, LaTroy on LaTroy.
In honor of Club Trillion, which is one minute played and no other stats recorded on the box score ("1-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0" or so), I hereby introduce to our readership (*silence*) the LaTroy Challenge. Take LaTroy's ESPN box score (for last night, "0.1 3 4 4 1 0 1"), determine whether the resultant number (ignoring decimals) is prime or composite, and then SIT ON A DIESEL-POWERED 14 INCH BLACK PULLSTART DILDO.
That's not that fun of a game though, so instead of parroting Mark Titus, let's steal Jeff Foxworthy's idea and play another rousing round of "You might be LaTroy Hawkins."
For example, "if you were responsible for eighty percent of the earned runs scored against your team, and you only recorded one out, you might be LaTroy Hawkins." Or, "if your ERA is higher than your IQ, you might be LaTroy Hawkins." Finally, "if the total number of outs you recorded in your last appearance was the same as the number of wild pitches, swings and misses, and home runs in that appearance, you might be LaTroy Hawkins."
For that last one, you basically have to be LaTroy Hawkins.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
"I Wish It Was Only Headlights"
The Bucks took it right on dem der chin last weekend. I listened to Friday's game on the radio in the car, and while both teams sounded pretty pathetic, at least we were up three (albeit 34-31) at the half.
After about arranging just a couple affairs, I got to HBC's and somehow we're down 20. Buehler? This tease made Game 7 look merciful.
Oberon's right that next year's team looks promising (although less attractive to LeBron, WE MIGHT NOT GET LEBRON NEXT YEAR GUYS) with Jennings, Bogut and Delfino. Early poll: Will Jennings's European experience mature him past a sophomore slump? (p.s. I love you, but shoot a little better next year.) Will Andrew Bogut's bionic arm be cooler than Oscar Pistorious's legs? Will the Brewers win more games than the Bucks? Can LaTroy Hawkins keep his ERA under Delfino's PPG? Stay tuned for the next episode of First Round and Outers.
Labels:
Cars Hit Bucks,
LaTroy Hawkins Sucks
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Food Shortage Concerns Spark Special Session
Madison, WI. State legislators voted unanimously to hold an emergency hearing tonight to prepare for the arrival of Marquette Mens Basketball's latest recruit. Lawmakers are concerned that there is simply not enough food in the state of Wisconsin to feed both Prince Fielder and the 295-pound recruit Davante Gardner.
"We thought we were in the clear when C.C. [Sabathia] went to the Yankees," said one lawmaker who requested to remain anonymous. "Now we are put in a difficult position. Either some soup kitchens close or our star athletes will need to slim down."
Lawmakers hope to reach a short-term agreement on how to prepare for Gardner's arrival, but also want to establish a program to set aside food reserves for future super-sized athletes.
A phone call to Prince Fielder's residence was not returned. An anonymous source close to Fielder said he mostly feared for his own life.
"Prince will be fine. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. When he runs out of food, it's only a matter of time until my body starts to look delicious to him. Frankly, I think it's in his capacity to consume the whole front office, maybe even the team."
"We thought we were in the clear when C.C. [Sabathia] went to the Yankees," said one lawmaker who requested to remain anonymous. "Now we are put in a difficult position. Either some soup kitchens close or our star athletes will need to slim down."
Lawmakers hope to reach a short-term agreement on how to prepare for Gardner's arrival, but also want to establish a program to set aside food reserves for future super-sized athletes.
A phone call to Prince Fielder's residence was not returned. An anonymous source close to Fielder said he mostly feared for his own life.
"Prince will be fine. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. When he runs out of food, it's only a matter of time until my body starts to look delicious to him. Frankly, I think it's in his capacity to consume the whole front office, maybe even the team."
Labels:
Brewer Porn,
HBC,
Marquette Basketball
Monday, May 3, 2010
Badger Glory: Chris Solinsky Sets White Man's 10k Record
To ease certain Badgers' animosity about the athletic prowess of state denizens after the Bucks defecated on basketball courts in Wisconsin and Georgia over the (long) weekend, Chris Solinsky (Wisconsin '07), Stevens Point resident, and SPASH alumnus, set the national record in the 10000 meter run over the weekend with a time of 26:59.6. As Wisconsin media outlets are quick to point out, Solinsky is the first non-African to break 27 minutes in the 10k. That's like running a 13:30 5k, and then running a faster one. Just thinking about running that fast for that long instinctively makes me reach for a cigarette.
Badgers in the News
Mark Schlabach of ESPN.com has the Badgers #9 overall in his early preseason rankings.
All that said, there are questions all over on the defensive side of the ball. These questions will have to be resolved early, as The Ohio State University comes to Madison on October 16 for what might be a shot at the National Championship Game.
Wisconsin football fans have grown accustomed to watching the Badgers' prodding and methodical offense, but that approach might change this coming season. With quarterback Scott Tolzien and running back John Clay returning, Wisconsin figures to have one of the Big Ten's most explosive offenses. Clay missed spring practice after undergoing surgery on both his ankles, but he's expected to be fine for the start of the season. Linebacker Chris Borland missed the spring after having shoulder surgery, and defensive end Louis Nzegwu was a big surprise as a pass-rusher during the spring.Not only are Tolzien and Clay back, but so are our top three WRs: Nick Toon, Kyle Jefferson, and star-in-training Kraig Appleton. Future NFL First Round Pick Gabe Carimi will anchor another HUGE line. If Clay isn't on everyone's top 5 Heisman list, he should be.
All that said, there are questions all over on the defensive side of the ball. These questions will have to be resolved early, as The Ohio State University comes to Madison on October 16 for what might be a shot at the National Championship Game.
Labels:
John Clay,
Oberon,
Preseason Hype,
Wisconsin Badgers
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Not Done Yet
Everyone seems to be resigned to losing in Atlanta today. I'm not quite sure why. For three quarters Friday night, the Bucks thoroughly outplayed the Hawks. But that 3rd Quarter was a disaster of epic proportions.
Well, Scott Skiles isn't going to be outcoached like that today. In Game 6's 3rd Quarter, the Hawks played a 1-2-2 defense and held the Bucks to a team playoff record low 9 points in the quarter. Skiles, who reacted far too slowly to this development, got the Bucks to attack the zone late in the quarter and by 2 minutes into the 4th, the Hawks were back to man-to-man.
I suspect today's game (noon on ABC) will be tightly contested. And while I think the Hawks will win, it's only a 60-40 proposition. Young Buck shines in big moments. And today will be all about who has the best shots in the last two minutes. Go Bucks!
Well, Scott Skiles isn't going to be outcoached like that today. In Game 6's 3rd Quarter, the Hawks played a 1-2-2 defense and held the Bucks to a team playoff record low 9 points in the quarter. Skiles, who reacted far too slowly to this development, got the Bucks to attack the zone late in the quarter and by 2 minutes into the 4th, the Hawks were back to man-to-man.
I suspect today's game (noon on ABC) will be tightly contested. And while I think the Hawks will win, it's only a 60-40 proposition. Young Buck shines in big moments. And today will be all about who has the best shots in the last two minutes. Go Bucks!
Labels:
Bucks,
Oberon,
playoffs,
This isn't a done deal,
Zone Defense
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