Who Does Craig Counsell? Lawrence Taylor

A regular guest column by Brewer infielder Craig Counsell.

It is always disappointing to see athletes make poor decisions when it comes to their sex life. Professional athletes often act as if they deserve all the pussy they want. Well of course they do! Unfortunately, to avoid media-enabled public scorn, athletes need to follow some rules.

As you probably have heard, Lawrence Taylor was picked up last week for having relations with a 16-year-old girl. With a bit of behavior modification, I think L.T. can avoid future scandal and still achieve the same degree of sexual gratification he enjoyed with minors.

Asians
Ever notice Asians look young? Look at So Taguchi. Dude is 40 but doesn't look a day over 12. Well the same rule applies to Asian women. They look like little kids well into their elderly years. Find a nice Asian woman and you are set for life.

Flat Chest
Asian women are usually flat-chested, so if you followed my first piece of advice, you can ignore this section. When girls become women, their mammary glands become enlarged. These milk sacs will be used to feed the babies that come out of their vagina. Underage girls typically have small mounds on their chest. Enhance your underage-like experience by limiting yourself to the A-cup women. Trust me, the smaller the better.

Hair Removal
So you've found a cute little small-chested Asian woman. You are convinced she will feel like 14 in the sack -- 15 tops. After a nice evening, say, things heat up and you are ready to hit that juice hole. She feels so, so young. And right. You get her completely naked and then your boner takes a big fucking nose dive south when you notice the large bush of pubic hair. What kind of underage girl has a bunch of pubic hair? Older ones and fakers. Shave that shit bald and you are back in business. But don't stop at the crotch. Nair her whole body if you have to.

Become a Catholic Priest
Admittedly, this is more effective if you like underage boys. Still, as the church becomes more progressive, we will see fewer alter boys and more alter girls that are prime for the taking. If they threaten to tattle, invoke the fear of God. And don't worry. If you get caught, the punishment is typically reassignment to some third-world country full of naked underage girls. The weather is probably better there anyway.

Food Shortage Concerns Spark Special Session

Madison, WI. State legislators voted unanimously to hold an emergency hearing tonight to prepare for the arrival of Marquette Mens Basketball's latest recruit. Lawmakers are concerned that there is simply not enough food in the state of Wisconsin to feed both Prince Fielder and the 295-pound recruit Davante Gardner.

"We thought we were in the clear when C.C. [Sabathia] went to the Yankees," said one lawmaker who requested to remain anonymous. "Now we are put in a difficult position. Either some soup kitchens close or our star athletes will need to slim down."

Lawmakers hope to reach a short-term agreement on how to prepare for Gardner's arrival, but also want to establish a program to set aside food reserves for future super-sized athletes.

A phone call to Prince Fielder's residence was not returned. An anonymous source close to Fielder said he mostly feared for his own life.

"Prince will be fine. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. When he runs out of food, it's only a matter of time until my body starts to look delicious to him. Frankly, I think it's in his capacity to consume the whole front office, maybe even the team."

(stock photo)

Brewers At The Movies

ODE asks the Brewers "What movie are you most excited to see this summer?"

Predators

NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

Iron Man 2

The Expendables

The Losers

The Losers

A Nightmare On Elm Street

Who Does Craig Counsell? He Pingping

A regular guest column by Brewer infielder Craig Counsell.

Lately I've noticed that, as a society, we lack the appropriate level of sensitivity towards dwarfism. As a person of short stature, I have experienced firsthand the daily challenges little people face. But our world does not have to be this way. With a wee bit of empathy and effort, we can make our fun-sized citizens feel welcome.

Last night I watched the program "Amazing Race" on CBS. The show featured He Pingping, the world's shortest man until he died at age 21 earlier this year. He was clearly on the show for comic relief - to be laughed at. "Ha ha. Look at the tiny little man smoke a ton of cigarettes. That cigarette is bigger than his head!"

Those cigarettes he smoked for our entertainment? They killed him. He's gone. No matter how hard we laugh at him, He Pingping is never coming back.


Marinate on that for a hot minute. He Pingping died, in part, so we could laugh at him (and his tiny little body).


At what point did the show's producers lose their humanity? He Pingping is a human being. With (tiny) feelings! Not only is it completely unacceptable to belittle those with dwarfism, but to poke fun at one of them just weeks after the untimely end to their short life? That's cold, CBS.

Let's stop selling short our vertically challenged citizens and start treating them with the respect they deserve.

Never let the memory of He Pingping fade. Personally, I like to watch the YouTube tribute when the time is right. I don't do it for a quick laugh or to feel better about my own height issues. I do it because I want to remember who He Pingping was and share his beautiful spirit. Soldier on, little hero. Soldier on.

Brewer Porn in the Shower

Dave Bush: Ooooooooh boy. Just another game, right? If Raynor hadn't gotten that infield single in the seventh, I woulda thrown a two hitter. A two hitter Doug, man, that's a good day's work. You know what I like the most about only giving up two hits? Going to bed feeling satisfied about my production. Production. That's really what Dave Bush is about.


Doug Davis: Why am I wearing this D-Bags jersey? Anyways, Dave, yes, I have always been an admirer of your hard work and devotion to the craft. A three-hitter--

Dave: --well it's really like two hits.

Doug: Ok you're right, two hits, that's something to be proud of.

Dave: Thanks Doug. It really means a lot coming from a seasoned veteran like yourself. I think you're really about to turn it around. You only walked one guy last game, that's something to build on.

Doug: Yeah, it's been frustrating.

Dave: Granted, you only managed to stay in there for four and two-thirds, so how many guys could you really walk right? *giggling* HEY DOUG, DIDJA SEE THAT RIGHTIES ARE HITTING .435 OFF OF YOU THIS YEAR? You're like the Honus Wagner of pitchers.

Doug: You're an idiot man.


Dave: Hey Catcher.

Doug: I'm leaving.

Go Eyjafjallajokull Yourself

Ryan Braun: Hey, you hear about the monster fucking volcano in Iceland or some shit.

Prince Fielder: You talkin about Eyjafjallajökull?

Braun: What you call me?

Fielder: Nah, man. Eyjafjallajökull is its name. Translated it means "Eyja-fjalla glacier" or "island-mountain glacier."

Braun: The fuck's wrong with you?

Fielder: Me and the wife went hiking there a couple years back. The view from Fimmvörðuháls, the trail between the Eyjafjallajökull and Mýrdalsjökull glaciers, is to die for.

Gregg Zaun: It's pronounced Eyjafjallajökull. Say it right.

Braun: Eyjafjallajökull?

Zaun: Eyjafjallajökull.

Braun: Eyjafjallajökull?

Fielder: Say it right you fucker. Eyjafjallajökull.

Brewer Porn: Ruh Roh

Rick Peterson: I've coached all over the majors, but this is a particularly inscrutable group we got here. Yovani's swimming in his money, Jeff Suppan hurt his pitching arm swimming in his money, and WE SIGNED LATROY HAWKINS SO I HAVE TO PITCH HIM SOMETIMES. But with LaTroy it's different, we all know he's bad; goddamn Randy Wolf and Dave Bush actually think they're legitimate major leaguers. And now Livan Hernandez, who I know for a fact is 62 years old, made our offense flail around like a Badger dunk contest.


Ken Macha: Hold on just one minute there Mr. *air quotes* Pitching Guru. We're less than two weeks into this campaign, and I can't have you be bad-mouthing my boys after they've only sucked for several weeks.

Rick: You're telling me Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan, and LaTroy Hawkins have only sucked for several weeks? They're "gonna rebound"? Jeff Suppan had two good starts for the Cardinals in the postseason six years ago, you saw the box score, and you threw him how much money?

Ken: CONFIDENCE. CONFIDENCE.


Rick: What's our catcher doing behind the laundry bin?

Ken:

Mile High Brewer Porn

Aboard the Brewers' private jet, en route to Washington, DC for their next series against the Nationals.

Ryan Braun: Man, I'm so fucking bored right now. Goddamn, look at the ass on that stewardess. I'd love to beat the cobwebs off that pussy. Fuck it. I'm gonna go rub one out. Time to grab the iPod and take a trip to the john.

Braun: I love these bathrooms. Almost as nice as the ones on the ground. Now for some BangBros. Oh yeah. That's the stuff. Look at those dirty little sluts.

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

Braun: Hey, I'm in here. Just a second. What the fuck? Can't you see it's occupied? Fuck it. I'm not leaving with blue balls. Better wrap this up.

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

Braun: One minute. Jesus, dude. Goddamn it. It's probably Macha. What's up his ass?

KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK

Braun: Alright, man. I'm done. This better be good. Can't a guy jerkoff in peace in this motherfucker?

*opens door*

Brewer Porn During The National Anthem

OHHHHHH.... III AM SO FUCKEDUP, SO FUCKEDUUUUUPPPPPPPP, SO FUCKEDUPPPPPP UPPPP UPP UPPPPPPPP...

*inner monologue*whywhywhywhywhywhy did I do that strikeout before I left home. Did I leave Mario Galaxy running? At least all I have to do here is... HOLY FUCK I AM HOLDING A CHILD. where's mommy big guy? where's mommy? point to her boobies my man. STOP BEING INSOLENT AND TELL ME WHERE TO PUT YOU.


Ryan Braun: *whispering* what's wrong geehee.

Casey: nothing.

Braun: you're fucked up aren't you.

Casey: no.

Braun: yesss you are. it's chill man.


Braun: huh huh, huh huh.

The Fall of LaTroy

This is an ODE exclusive. We caught up with Brewers RP LaTroy Hawkins for a post-game interview following the Brewers 7-6 loss to the Cubs.

ODE: LaTroy, it's great to get a chance to talk with you. Welcome to the Brewers.LaTroy Hawkins: Thanks for talking with me guys. It's great to be a part of this ball club.

ODE: Tough loss for the Crew today. What happened out there?

Hawkins: Yeah. I pretty much lost that game for us today. I wish I could blame it on my bleeding rectum or diarrhea or something. But honestly, I think what you saw out there was I'm not a very good baseball player.

ODE: You are no stranger to pitching poorly at Wrigley. Why do you think you struggle there so much?

Hawkins: Well, like I said, I'm a horrible pitcher. Sometimes I get lucky, like in my outings earlier this season. What's the saying? Even a blind squirrel finds a nut some of the time? As an ex-Cub, I've pitched a lot at Wrigley. I think it makes sense that if a bad player plays in a particular ball club's stadium with some frequency, you'll see some bad outings there.

ODE: So what's the take away from this loss? For you, and for the Brewers in this young campaign?

Hawkins: Well, anytime you send a shitty player out there you're putting your team in a position to lose. So for the Brewers, I think today is kinda a wake up call. If they want to win games, they should avoid calling my number, no matter the size of the lead. For me, huh. I've got 3.25 million reasons not to get too rattled by this. I mean, I've been a bad pitcher for awhile now and teams still keep seeing my upside.

ODE: How do you shake this one off and go back out and pitch well?

Hawkins: I'm fiendin' to catch up with my old girl I used to bone when I was here with the Cubs. She takes care of me real good. Sucks on my balls, lets me skeet on her face. I figure a night in her ass will do the trick.

ODE: Great talking with you LaTroy. Thanks for meeting with us.

Hawkins: Hey, no problem guys.

Late Night Brewer Porn

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Brewer Porn

Prince Fielder: I been up 14 times this year and ain't none of em gone. And di' you see Gramps serve up that spicy meataballa to that Commie? Shit like this'll drive a man to eat.

Ryan Braun: Ever since C.C. Sabbatical went back to work you've looked hungry.


Bill Hall: OHHHHH NOH YOU DINT. 14 ABS WITHOUT A DONG PRINCESS? I GONE 14 ABS WITHOUT BRINGING WOOD TO THE PLATE. CHILL OUT RICKIE I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT YO' MAMA. I BEEN USING WHIFFLE BALL BATS SINCE 2007. SOMEBODY GET CECIL A FUCKING PASSIFIER.

Prince: One mo' word out of KE and it's on.

Corey Hart: KE? I am unsure of the meaning of that phrase.

Prince: K-Error. Alls the games that matters he strike out to end the second and then throw the first groundball he can get his shit on to the RIGHT FIELD CO-NAH. Jewbacca and I hit 200 goddamn dongs and Derrick Lee goes fo' fo' fo' on fo' little pussy ass dribblers to third.

Rickie Weeks: Howz KE end two big-time RALLIES when we DUMPED his ass in the offseason?


Corey Hart: *checking statistics on his i-phone* According to MLB dot com, Mr. Hall has not yet appeared in a major league game this season. However, I would swear on my grandmother's grave he personally lost us this evening's contest.

*Prince, KE and Rickie continue arguing while Corey Hart looks confused and Gregg Zaun pulls Alcides Escobar and Casey McGehee into the hallway*


Gregg Zaun: The Macho Man told me he brought me in to provide veteran leadership and to promote a playoff mindset in this clubhouse. The Rays clubhouse makes this place look like a cheap-ass whorehouse. We need to start a grassroots movement to bring some passion back to the Brewers. Are you guys in?

*Escobar and McGehee look at each other*

Alcides Escobar: I don't go in on nothin' ever since my bro Andres got wacked.

Casey McGehee: Aw man, I got some pimpin' buds in my apartment and I just got a Wii and I'm looking to get faded and pwn some kids on online Mario Kart. If I can do your grass movement in 45 seconds I'm in.

Gregg Zaun: *gets hit in the face by a frisbee* Who the fuck was that.

Prince: *walks over and eats the frisbee, which is actually a very large, stale, cake donut* Sorry 'bout dat homeskillet. Big game tomorrow. Needa eat. *whispering* You the same Gregg Zaun who hit .130 for the Wausau Timbers when I was six?

Gregg Zaun: HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THIS TEAM NEVER MAKES THE PLAYOFFS.