Who Does Craig Counsell? Lawrence Taylor

A regular guest column by Brewer infielder Craig Counsell.

It is always disappointing to see athletes make poor decisions when it comes to their sex life. Professional athletes often act as if they deserve all the pussy they want. Well of course they do! Unfortunately, to avoid media-enabled public scorn, athletes need to follow some rules.

As you probably have heard, Lawrence Taylor was picked up last week for having relations with a 16-year-old girl. With a bit of behavior modification, I think L.T. can avoid future scandal and still achieve the same degree of sexual gratification he enjoyed with minors.

Asians
Ever notice Asians look young? Look at So Taguchi. Dude is 40 but doesn't look a day over 12. Well the same rule applies to Asian women. They look like little kids well into their elderly years. Find a nice Asian woman and you are set for life.

Flat Chest
Asian women are usually flat-chested, so if you followed my first piece of advice, you can ignore this section. When girls become women, their mammary glands become enlarged. These milk sacs will be used to feed the babies that come out of their vagina. Underage girls typically have small mounds on their chest. Enhance your underage-like experience by limiting yourself to the A-cup women. Trust me, the smaller the better.

Hair Removal
So you've found a cute little small-chested Asian woman. You are convinced she will feel like 14 in the sack -- 15 tops. After a nice evening, say, things heat up and you are ready to hit that juice hole. She feels so, so young. And right. You get her completely naked and then your boner takes a big fucking nose dive south when you notice the large bush of pubic hair. What kind of underage girl has a bunch of pubic hair? Older ones and fakers. Shave that shit bald and you are back in business. But don't stop at the crotch. Nair her whole body if you have to.

Become a Catholic Priest
Admittedly, this is more effective if you like underage boys. Still, as the church becomes more progressive, we will see fewer alter boys and more alter girls that are prime for the taking. If they threaten to tattle, invoke the fear of God. And don't worry. If you get caught, the punishment is typically reassignment to some third-world country full of naked underage girls. The weather is probably better there anyway.

Who Does Craig Counsell? He Pingping

A regular guest column by Brewer infielder Craig Counsell.

Lately I've noticed that, as a society, we lack the appropriate level of sensitivity towards dwarfism. As a person of short stature, I have experienced firsthand the daily challenges little people face. But our world does not have to be this way. With a wee bit of empathy and effort, we can make our fun-sized citizens feel welcome.

Last night I watched the program "Amazing Race" on CBS. The show featured He Pingping, the world's shortest man until he died at age 21 earlier this year. He was clearly on the show for comic relief - to be laughed at. "Ha ha. Look at the tiny little man smoke a ton of cigarettes. That cigarette is bigger than his head!"

Those cigarettes he smoked for our entertainment? They killed him. He's gone. No matter how hard we laugh at him, He Pingping is never coming back.


Marinate on that for a hot minute. He Pingping died, in part, so we could laugh at him (and his tiny little body).


At what point did the show's producers lose their humanity? He Pingping is a human being. With (tiny) feelings! Not only is it completely unacceptable to belittle those with dwarfism, but to poke fun at one of them just weeks after the untimely end to their short life? That's cold, CBS.

Let's stop selling short our vertically challenged citizens and start treating them with the respect they deserve.

Never let the memory of He Pingping fade. Personally, I like to watch the YouTube tribute when the time is right. I don't do it for a quick laugh or to feel better about my own height issues. I do it because I want to remember who He Pingping was and share his beautiful spirit. Soldier on, little hero. Soldier on.