Roy Williams: I Don't Suck

Roy Williams will "bet anybody in this world I won't be close to [dropping that many balls again in 2010]." To ensure his continued success and put himself in the place he needs to be for the upcoming season, Roy told reporters that he has "been catching 200 balls a week off JUGS guns during workouts and an additional 40-50 passes a week from Romo."

240-250 PASSES CAUGHT PER WEEK. Holy shit. That's like 34 passes a day. From a JUGS machine (which I imagine is a large-chested throwing apparatus) that must take all of 3 or 4 minutes of Mr. Williams's day. This is why Jerry Rice, Steve Largent, and Roy Williams are the top receivers of all time: That 3 to 4 minutes a day they put in during the offseason.

Badger Bookie: NBA Playoffs

With five teams left in the NBA playoffs (impossibly, there are no games tonight; instead I'm watching the UFC Unleased marathon leading up to the Ultimate Fighter on Spike, which is apparently airing in 2001 in LO-D) let's take a moment and assess the situation.

The teams fall easily into two categories: Phoenix, Orlando, and Boston in the we-thought-they-were-pretty-good-and-showed-up, and Los Angeles and Cleveland, ruh-roh-'rhampions. Cleveland must be at least 20-1 to win it all down 3-2 after losing at home in Game 5 by a bajillion. Boston? 5-1? Could brilliant young energy at point guard be more of a blessing for a team? If you leave 'em open, they'll kill you, but fuck my knee hurts and I just ran over here.

The Suns are trending up and the Lakers are trending down, but probably not enough to make up for where they started odds-wise. Lakers 5-2 and Phoenix 3-1. Amare still seems angry that people suggested he wasn't worth it at trade deadline time. Gasol is making a top-10 biggest ripoff trade of all-time look even worse (may I remind you that the Lakers gave up Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton, and Aaron McKie for his services; McKie has probably had the best career since without playing a game.)

Orlando isn't the favorite. 4-1? 9-2? I don't trust 'em.

Division III Women's College Golf: For the Eye Candy

Division III Men's and Women's golf tournaments are going on this week. As a former Division III golfer (remember, unless you're a particular boss of mine, Division I golfers do it for the pride, Division III golfers do it because "practice" seems a lot like "free golf") I still keep sporadic tabs on the college golfing scene.

Women's Division III golf is pretty bad. The girls whose parents sent them to golf prep school are all on scholarship. Earlier today, 12 out of 105 national championship contenders broke 80. HBC can do that on a (fantasyland) on-day. This is not surprising.

What is surprising? three of the four top scorers are hot. Investigative journalist at its finest.

The Magic Make The Hawks Make The Bucks Look Like Poo

Turns out the Bucks got the playoff break of a lifetime by matching up with the team-that-didn't-show-up-to-the-playoffs-this-year. Giving up on Woodson? Who knows. The Magic make the Hawks look like children though (to be fair, odds on the Magic winning it all at this point? 5-1?) and the Hawks made the Bucks look like the Bucks (and not like that team that played the last 30 games of the regular season in green uniforms.) TNT did a bit on the Magic's ball movement versus the Hawks' isolation, and if it weren't developed and commented on by TNT, it may have been compelling. The instances were totally cherry-picked and unrepresentative, but the numbers (Magic assist on way more of their baskets than the Hawks) make sense.

Can the Magic repeat last year subbing Carter for the Turkish Gold? I don't think so, but I didn't think so last year either.

The NFL Offseason Sucks

The offseason is so long, not even that picture of Governor Palin can handle it (though it looks like she could handle 3 other things). The offseason sucks so bad, this is your Packers' news from the last week:

• The Packers re-signed Daryn Colledge for next season. He was a restricted FA. The deal allows him to become an unrestricted FA at the end of the season.
• Greg Jennings was on CBS's Criminal Minds.
• We've got a punter "Duel" going on.

That's it. That's what we have to sustain ourselves right now, Packers fans. But cheer up. We could be Bills fans. (Just click the link, sort by position, scroll down to QB, and laugh away!)

Who Does Craig Counsell? Lawrence Taylor

A regular guest column by Brewer infielder Craig Counsell.

It is always disappointing to see athletes make poor decisions when it comes to their sex life. Professional athletes often act as if they deserve all the pussy they want. Well of course they do! Unfortunately, to avoid media-enabled public scorn, athletes need to follow some rules.

As you probably have heard, Lawrence Taylor was picked up last week for having relations with a 16-year-old girl. With a bit of behavior modification, I think L.T. can avoid future scandal and still achieve the same degree of sexual gratification he enjoyed with minors.

Asians
Ever notice Asians look young? Look at So Taguchi. Dude is 40 but doesn't look a day over 12. Well the same rule applies to Asian women. They look like little kids well into their elderly years. Find a nice Asian woman and you are set for life.

Flat Chest
Asian women are usually flat-chested, so if you followed my first piece of advice, you can ignore this section. When girls become women, their mammary glands become enlarged. These milk sacs will be used to feed the babies that come out of their vagina. Underage girls typically have small mounds on their chest. Enhance your underage-like experience by limiting yourself to the A-cup women. Trust me, the smaller the better.

Hair Removal
So you've found a cute little small-chested Asian woman. You are convinced she will feel like 14 in the sack -- 15 tops. After a nice evening, say, things heat up and you are ready to hit that juice hole. She feels so, so young. And right. You get her completely naked and then your boner takes a big fucking nose dive south when you notice the large bush of pubic hair. What kind of underage girl has a bunch of pubic hair? Older ones and fakers. Shave that shit bald and you are back in business. But don't stop at the crotch. Nair her whole body if you have to.

Become a Catholic Priest
Admittedly, this is more effective if you like underage boys. Still, as the church becomes more progressive, we will see fewer alter boys and more alter girls that are prime for the taking. If they threaten to tattle, invoke the fear of God. And don't worry. If you get caught, the punishment is typically reassignment to some third-world country full of naked underage girls. The weather is probably better there anyway.

LaTroy Hawkins Placed on 15 Day DL with "Right Shoulder Weakness"

Ironically, the Brewers made this move retroactive to Friday, instead of making it retroactive to the beginning of the season. For two weeks, ODE needs to find Brewers memes to fill in for stories about the Hawk's much-anticipated and frankly unremarkable serving of meatballs. Jody Gerut (cycle club motherfuckers) and Gregg Zaun develop a shower rapport? Dave Bush mocks LaTroy mercilessly until LaTroy sexually assaults his family members? Stories about Oberon and Ryan Braun playing two-man walk the elephant? Stay tuned!

Hebrewer

In Greek mythology, the Goddess Aphrodite was Angelina Jolie, Cintia Dicker, and Marissa Miller all rolled into one. She was so breathtakingly beautiful that all the other Gods feared jealously would interrupt the peace among them and lead to war. They couldn't have that, so Zeus (the original P.I.M.P.) married her to Hephaestus, a God who looked like this former Buck. Basically, her "reward" for being so GD hot was to marry an ogre. Well, Aphrodite wasn't havin' none o dat, if you catch my drift. She played around on Hephy, taking Ares, God of War, as her primary lover. It makes sense that the most beautiful thing in the Universe would bang the God of War, right? But Aphrodite wasn't satisfied with just the God of War, she needed to get with a tasty little piece of a certain mortal.

Adonis got all the girls hot and bothered like it was his job. Straight up metro before his time. Aphrodite couldn't resist him, even though he was a mortal. The famous sculpture, Adonis, stands in the Louvre. While the original artist is unknown, we know it was restored in the 17th century by Francois Duquesnoy. As you can see from the image above, it has, very recently, been updated.

The Hebrewer is MASHING this year. Current projections: Old school - .359/28/134; New school - .359/.437/1.018. He's also stolen 7 bases without getting caught (on-pace for 39). This is absurd. Taking a look at his splits, I really enjoyed this: he's been up 3-0 and 3-1 16 times this season. He's walked 16 times in those situations. That's plate discipline. For a guy making $1,287,500 from Mr. Anttanasio this year, it's almost criminal. So while we're hanging around like a stale fart at 13-16, our setup man's ERA is 9.26 and our closer's ERA is 10.64, at least we have one good reason to go to the games. OK, two.

"It boiled down to making my pitch, and I didn't."

Ladies and gentlemen, LaTroy on LaTroy.

In honor of Club Trillion, which is one minute played and no other stats recorded on the box score ("1-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0" or so), I hereby introduce to our readership (*silence*) the LaTroy Challenge. Take LaTroy's ESPN box score (for last night, "0.1 3 4 4 1 0 1"), determine whether the resultant number (ignoring decimals) is prime or composite, and then SIT ON A DIESEL-POWERED 14 INCH BLACK PULLSTART DILDO.

That's not that fun of a game though, so instead of parroting Mark Titus, let's steal Jeff Foxworthy's idea and play another rousing round of "You might be LaTroy Hawkins."

For example, "if you were responsible for eighty percent of the earned runs scored against your team, and you only recorded one out, you might be LaTroy Hawkins." Or, "if your ERA is higher than your IQ, you might be LaTroy Hawkins." Finally, "if the total number of outs you recorded in your last appearance was the same as the number of wild pitches, swings and misses, and home runs in that appearance, you might be LaTroy Hawkins."

For that last one, you basically have to be LaTroy Hawkins.

"I Wish It Was Only Headlights"

The Bucks took it right on dem der chin last weekend. I listened to Friday's game on the radio in the car, and while both teams sounded pretty pathetic, at least we were up three (albeit 34-31) at the half.

After about arranging just a couple affairs, I got to HBC's and somehow we're down 20. Buehler? This tease made Game 7 look merciful.

Oberon's right that next year's team looks promising (although less attractive to LeBron, WE MIGHT NOT GET LEBRON NEXT YEAR GUYS) with Jennings, Bogut and Delfino. Early poll: Will Jennings's European experience mature him past a sophomore slump? (p.s. I love you, but shoot a little better next year.) Will Andrew Bogut's bionic arm be cooler than Oscar Pistorious's legs? Will the Brewers win more games than the Bucks? Can LaTroy Hawkins keep his ERA under Delfino's PPG? Stay tuned for the next episode of First Round and Outers.

Food Shortage Concerns Spark Special Session

Madison, WI. State legislators voted unanimously to hold an emergency hearing tonight to prepare for the arrival of Marquette Mens Basketball's latest recruit. Lawmakers are concerned that there is simply not enough food in the state of Wisconsin to feed both Prince Fielder and the 295-pound recruit Davante Gardner.

"We thought we were in the clear when C.C. [Sabathia] went to the Yankees," said one lawmaker who requested to remain anonymous. "Now we are put in a difficult position. Either some soup kitchens close or our star athletes will need to slim down."

Lawmakers hope to reach a short-term agreement on how to prepare for Gardner's arrival, but also want to establish a program to set aside food reserves for future super-sized athletes.

A phone call to Prince Fielder's residence was not returned. An anonymous source close to Fielder said he mostly feared for his own life.

"Prince will be fine. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. When he runs out of food, it's only a matter of time until my body starts to look delicious to him. Frankly, I think it's in his capacity to consume the whole front office, maybe even the team."

(stock photo)

Badger Glory: Chris Solinsky Sets White Man's 10k Record

To ease certain Badgers' animosity about the athletic prowess of state denizens after the Bucks defecated on basketball courts in Wisconsin and Georgia over the (long) weekend, Chris Solinsky (Wisconsin '07), Stevens Point resident, and SPASH alumnus, set the national record in the 10000 meter run over the weekend with a time of 26:59.6. As Wisconsin media outlets are quick to point out, Solinsky is the first non-African to break 27 minutes in the 10k. That's like running a 13:30 5k, and then running a faster one. Just thinking about running that fast for that long instinctively makes me reach for a cigarette.

Badgers in the News

Mark Schlabach of ESPN.com has the Badgers #9 overall in his early preseason rankings.

Wisconsin football fans have grown accustomed to watching the Badgers' prodding and methodical offense, but that approach might change this coming season. With quarterback Scott Tolzien and running back John Clay returning, Wisconsin figures to have one of the Big Ten's most explosive offenses. Clay missed spring practice after undergoing surgery on both his ankles, but he's expected to be fine for the start of the season. Linebacker Chris Borland missed the spring after having shoulder surgery, and defensive end Louis Nzegwu was a big surprise as a pass-rusher during the spring.

Not only are Tolzien and Clay back, but so are our top three WRs: Nick Toon, Kyle Jefferson, and star-in-training Kraig Appleton. Future NFL First Round Pick Gabe Carimi will anchor another HUGE line. If Clay isn't on everyone's top 5 Heisman list, he should be.

All that said, there are questions all over on the defensive side of the ball. These questions will have to be resolved early, as The Ohio State University comes to Madison on October 16 for what might be a shot at the National Championship Game.

Not Done Yet

Everyone seems to be resigned to losing in Atlanta today. I'm not quite sure why. For three quarters Friday night, the Bucks thoroughly outplayed the Hawks. But that 3rd Quarter was a disaster of epic proportions.

Well, Scott Skiles isn't going to be outcoached like that today. In Game 6's 3rd Quarter, the Hawks played a 1-2-2 defense and held the Bucks to a team playoff record low 9 points in the quarter. Skiles, who reacted far too slowly to this development, got the Bucks to attack the zone late in the quarter and by 2 minutes into the 4th, the Hawks were back to man-to-man.

I suspect today's game (noon on ABC) will be tightly contested. And while I think the Hawks will win, it's only a 60-40 proposition. Young Buck shines in big moments. And today will be all about who has the best shots in the last two minutes. Go Bucks!

BREAKING NEWS!

As reported by Bill Simmons: Bennett Salvatore has been assigned to tonight's game! For those unfamiliar with Mr. Salvatore's work, let's just say that he's easily swayed by the crowd...