What are LeBron's Options?

Like every other sports blog, Our Dairy Errors is compelled to offer our opinions on the Summer of LeBron. After reading dozens of opinons, I've noticed that very few people are talking about James' basketball options. Sure, rumors are flying: World Wide Wes is shopping James and John Calipari as a package, James, Wade, and Bosh made a secret deal during the Olympics to play together, Delonte West slept with James' mother. But nothing is really helpful for the one goal James should have right now: winning a championship. If James does not resign with the Cavs, here are the most likely options everyone is talking about and each teams' estimated cap space:

• Knicks: $33 million
• Nets: $26 million
• Bulls: $20 million

The Knicks are the play if James wants to be a hybrid of Wilt Chamberlain/Joe Namath: He will put up fantastic stats in Mike D'Antoni's offense and will run the city. It wouldn't be hard to imagine multiple 32/10/10 seasons in that offense. And in New York, he'd be larger than life. But a championship would be far from guaranteed. James would likely have another legitimate running-mate, a la Bosh, Wade, or Stoudemire, but that would be it. James isn't Michael Jordan, and Jordan didn't just need Pippen, he also needed Horace Grant/Dennis Rodman (OK, that last championship was all MJ, but we can all agree MJ's heroics that season were an anomaly). If James goes to the Knicks, he'll be forever searching for a third banana.

The Nets and the Bulls are far more intriguing. My man Bill Simmons has been all over the Bulls' rumors for almost a year now. And kudos to him for that. Rose, James, Noah would make a terrific 1-3-5. Add a banger who can hit an open J at the 4 (Glenn Davis?) and an athletic swing, and you've got a championship team. What happens with Deng and Hinrich are questions, of course, but rumors are swirling that Deng will be traded to Toronto in a sign and trade for Bosh. That would seal the deal. No one would beat that team. I'd like to offer one last scenario in the event Toronto, or Bosh, won't play ball (Bosh could only get to Chicago in a sign-and-trade, so the Raptors *could* prevent the apocalypse).

Let's say the Nets, who had the worst record in the NBA this season, find their way to John Wall and the #1 pick after tonight's NBA Lottery. James would look at the Nets (who could also sign Calipari to coach) and see a young PG with unlimited potential (Wall's not the scorer that Rose is, but his defense is unmatched) a young C who doesn't need shots to be an All-Star (Brooke Lopez averaged 13 shots, 18 points, 8 rebounds, and 2 blocks per game this season) and a good scoring combo guard (Devin Harris is just one season removed from All-Star status). Sure, LeBron would rather murder Yi Jianlian before entrusting him to the PF spot, but the Nets still have Sean Williams (crazy, but all the talent in the world - if Lebron could get him in line...) and they could always pull a mid-level exception in year two for the aging PF du jour and be right in business...

(Brooke Lopez singing"Brooklyn Nets ain't nuttin' ta fuck with")

On paper, that Nets scenario is right at the talent level of the Chicago scenario (without Bosh). It would also allow us to see the kind of trapping defense that is unimaginable unless you have John Wall, Devin Harris, and LeBron James at the 1-2-3. They'll be able to go crazy with Lopez and Williams (optimistic here) protecting the rim. The team record for steals per game in an NBA season is 12.9. While I don't think that team would set the record, they'd be as close to it (think about how ridiculous that record is - the warriors led the league this year with 9.28/per) as we've had since the 80s. That'd be pretty fun, right? But we all know James isn't going to choose the Nets over the Bulls based on steals. He would, however, notice that the talent was equal, and then follow the money. Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov now owns the Nets. Jay-Z has a minority interest in the team. The Nets are moving to Brooklyn in 2 years (mark it down). In this scenario, James gets the best of New York AND Chicago, all in one move. How does this not happen? People thought the '03 Lottery was the most important Lottery in NBA history. Well, James was the prize that year. This year's prize? For the Nets, it may just be Wall and James.

Holy Peter King Batman!

For the uninitiated, Peter King is the head NFL writer at Sports Illustrated. Every Monday morning during the NFL season, and most Monday mornings during the off-season, Mr. King writes a column entitled "Monday Morning Quarterback." I encourage Packers nation to check out Mr. King's analysis on the top 32 teams in the NFL, where he wrote the following:

1. Green Bay. It's not just the maturation of Aaron Rodgers. It's the carryover from a fluky end to 2009 (the weird playoff loss at Arizona) and the fact that only one team in football -- New Orleans -- had a better point differential than the Pack's plus-164 last year. I like Jermichael Finley to become a great player in his second starting season. I don't trust the pass-rush (where Clay Matthews is the only real thing), and I worry about two of the top three corners coming off ACL surgery, and aging. But the defensive front is formidable, and a very good match for the good run teams of the AFC North. I also like Weeks 2 through 5 on the schedule (Buffalo, at Chicago, Detroit, at Washington), which sets up for a strong start.

I don't mean to alarm anyone, but that #1 in front of our team? That means he's ranking us #1 right now. To which I respond, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa???" I mean, really? We're the favorites now? Aaron Rodgers hasn't won a playoff game. Donald Driver hit the age (35) where he really should start slowing down (I mean that literally - he'll be slower this season). We don't have a pass rush (which Mr. King notes). Our CBs are old and coming off injuries. Ryan Grant is serviceable, and a top 12 running back, but he isn't going to dominate a game by himself. How are we the favorites? What happened?

Well, the long and the short of it is Peter King is very good at writing about things that happened during a football game. His is not good at predicting what will happen on a football field (he had Pats over Bears at the beginning of last season).

Nonetheless, we should still be excited: the Aaron Rodgers Era is getting national attention. While that won't help us win any games, it will help with the bandwagon fans if we CAN manage to win games. With an uncapped year and a potentially uncapped future, the Packers will need all the additional fans they can find to help drive team revenue. So, Mr. King, thank you. Keep over-hyping the Green Machine...

Most Exciting Game of 2010 Playoffs to Date

It's 10-7 Celtics four minutes in right now. LeBron took a set-play behind-the-back and slammed it on the first possession; think anyone told him he has to get going early this time? I'm hoping for a performance that comes anywhere near Game 5 against the Pistons in 2007. It's unfair to even mention that (HBC and I watched the whole thing going nuts), but pretty please basketball gods?

UPDATE: 39-33 Celtics with six minutes left in the second quarter. You gotta feel bad for LeBron when he goes in fighting for a rebound on his own missed-but-tough lay-up with Varejao for at least three seconds trying to get an inch to do something, wings it out to wide open Moon for 3, and he airballs it basically back to where LeBron is getting totally clobbered.

Roy Williams: I Don't Suck

Roy Williams will "bet anybody in this world I won't be close to [dropping that many balls again in 2010]." To ensure his continued success and put himself in the place he needs to be for the upcoming season, Roy told reporters that he has "been catching 200 balls a week off JUGS guns during workouts and an additional 40-50 passes a week from Romo."

240-250 PASSES CAUGHT PER WEEK. Holy shit. That's like 34 passes a day. From a JUGS machine (which I imagine is a large-chested throwing apparatus) that must take all of 3 or 4 minutes of Mr. Williams's day. This is why Jerry Rice, Steve Largent, and Roy Williams are the top receivers of all time: That 3 to 4 minutes a day they put in during the offseason.

Badger Bookie: NBA Playoffs

With five teams left in the NBA playoffs (impossibly, there are no games tonight; instead I'm watching the UFC Unleased marathon leading up to the Ultimate Fighter on Spike, which is apparently airing in 2001 in LO-D) let's take a moment and assess the situation.

The teams fall easily into two categories: Phoenix, Orlando, and Boston in the we-thought-they-were-pretty-good-and-showed-up, and Los Angeles and Cleveland, ruh-roh-'rhampions. Cleveland must be at least 20-1 to win it all down 3-2 after losing at home in Game 5 by a bajillion. Boston? 5-1? Could brilliant young energy at point guard be more of a blessing for a team? If you leave 'em open, they'll kill you, but fuck my knee hurts and I just ran over here.

The Suns are trending up and the Lakers are trending down, but probably not enough to make up for where they started odds-wise. Lakers 5-2 and Phoenix 3-1. Amare still seems angry that people suggested he wasn't worth it at trade deadline time. Gasol is making a top-10 biggest ripoff trade of all-time look even worse (may I remind you that the Lakers gave up Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton, and Aaron McKie for his services; McKie has probably had the best career since without playing a game.)

Orlando isn't the favorite. 4-1? 9-2? I don't trust 'em.

Division III Women's College Golf: For the Eye Candy

Division III Men's and Women's golf tournaments are going on this week. As a former Division III golfer (remember, unless you're a particular boss of mine, Division I golfers do it for the pride, Division III golfers do it because "practice" seems a lot like "free golf") I still keep sporadic tabs on the college golfing scene.

Women's Division III golf is pretty bad. The girls whose parents sent them to golf prep school are all on scholarship. Earlier today, 12 out of 105 national championship contenders broke 80. HBC can do that on a (fantasyland) on-day. This is not surprising.

What is surprising? three of the four top scorers are hot. Investigative journalist at its finest.

The Magic Make The Hawks Make The Bucks Look Like Poo

Turns out the Bucks got the playoff break of a lifetime by matching up with the team-that-didn't-show-up-to-the-playoffs-this-year. Giving up on Woodson? Who knows. The Magic make the Hawks look like children though (to be fair, odds on the Magic winning it all at this point? 5-1?) and the Hawks made the Bucks look like the Bucks (and not like that team that played the last 30 games of the regular season in green uniforms.) TNT did a bit on the Magic's ball movement versus the Hawks' isolation, and if it weren't developed and commented on by TNT, it may have been compelling. The instances were totally cherry-picked and unrepresentative, but the numbers (Magic assist on way more of their baskets than the Hawks) make sense.

Can the Magic repeat last year subbing Carter for the Turkish Gold? I don't think so, but I didn't think so last year either.

The NFL Offseason Sucks

The offseason is so long, not even that picture of Governor Palin can handle it (though it looks like she could handle 3 other things). The offseason sucks so bad, this is your Packers' news from the last week:

• The Packers re-signed Daryn Colledge for next season. He was a restricted FA. The deal allows him to become an unrestricted FA at the end of the season.
• Greg Jennings was on CBS's Criminal Minds.
• We've got a punter "Duel" going on.

That's it. That's what we have to sustain ourselves right now, Packers fans. But cheer up. We could be Bills fans. (Just click the link, sort by position, scroll down to QB, and laugh away!)

Who Does Craig Counsell? Lawrence Taylor

A regular guest column by Brewer infielder Craig Counsell.

It is always disappointing to see athletes make poor decisions when it comes to their sex life. Professional athletes often act as if they deserve all the pussy they want. Well of course they do! Unfortunately, to avoid media-enabled public scorn, athletes need to follow some rules.

As you probably have heard, Lawrence Taylor was picked up last week for having relations with a 16-year-old girl. With a bit of behavior modification, I think L.T. can avoid future scandal and still achieve the same degree of sexual gratification he enjoyed with minors.

Asians
Ever notice Asians look young? Look at So Taguchi. Dude is 40 but doesn't look a day over 12. Well the same rule applies to Asian women. They look like little kids well into their elderly years. Find a nice Asian woman and you are set for life.

Flat Chest
Asian women are usually flat-chested, so if you followed my first piece of advice, you can ignore this section. When girls become women, their mammary glands become enlarged. These milk sacs will be used to feed the babies that come out of their vagina. Underage girls typically have small mounds on their chest. Enhance your underage-like experience by limiting yourself to the A-cup women. Trust me, the smaller the better.

Hair Removal
So you've found a cute little small-chested Asian woman. You are convinced she will feel like 14 in the sack -- 15 tops. After a nice evening, say, things heat up and you are ready to hit that juice hole. She feels so, so young. And right. You get her completely naked and then your boner takes a big fucking nose dive south when you notice the large bush of pubic hair. What kind of underage girl has a bunch of pubic hair? Older ones and fakers. Shave that shit bald and you are back in business. But don't stop at the crotch. Nair her whole body if you have to.

Become a Catholic Priest
Admittedly, this is more effective if you like underage boys. Still, as the church becomes more progressive, we will see fewer alter boys and more alter girls that are prime for the taking. If they threaten to tattle, invoke the fear of God. And don't worry. If you get caught, the punishment is typically reassignment to some third-world country full of naked underage girls. The weather is probably better there anyway.

LaTroy Hawkins Placed on 15 Day DL with "Right Shoulder Weakness"

Ironically, the Brewers made this move retroactive to Friday, instead of making it retroactive to the beginning of the season. For two weeks, ODE needs to find Brewers memes to fill in for stories about the Hawk's much-anticipated and frankly unremarkable serving of meatballs. Jody Gerut (cycle club motherfuckers) and Gregg Zaun develop a shower rapport? Dave Bush mocks LaTroy mercilessly until LaTroy sexually assaults his family members? Stories about Oberon and Ryan Braun playing two-man walk the elephant? Stay tuned!

Hebrewer

In Greek mythology, the Goddess Aphrodite was Angelina Jolie, Cintia Dicker, and Marissa Miller all rolled into one. She was so breathtakingly beautiful that all the other Gods feared jealously would interrupt the peace among them and lead to war. They couldn't have that, so Zeus (the original P.I.M.P.) married her to Hephaestus, a God who looked like this former Buck. Basically, her "reward" for being so GD hot was to marry an ogre. Well, Aphrodite wasn't havin' none o dat, if you catch my drift. She played around on Hephy, taking Ares, God of War, as her primary lover. It makes sense that the most beautiful thing in the Universe would bang the God of War, right? But Aphrodite wasn't satisfied with just the God of War, she needed to get with a tasty little piece of a certain mortal.

Adonis got all the girls hot and bothered like it was his job. Straight up metro before his time. Aphrodite couldn't resist him, even though he was a mortal. The famous sculpture, Adonis, stands in the Louvre. While the original artist is unknown, we know it was restored in the 17th century by Francois Duquesnoy. As you can see from the image above, it has, very recently, been updated.

The Hebrewer is MASHING this year. Current projections: Old school - .359/28/134; New school - .359/.437/1.018. He's also stolen 7 bases without getting caught (on-pace for 39). This is absurd. Taking a look at his splits, I really enjoyed this: he's been up 3-0 and 3-1 16 times this season. He's walked 16 times in those situations. That's plate discipline. For a guy making $1,287,500 from Mr. Anttanasio this year, it's almost criminal. So while we're hanging around like a stale fart at 13-16, our setup man's ERA is 9.26 and our closer's ERA is 10.64, at least we have one good reason to go to the games. OK, two.

"It boiled down to making my pitch, and I didn't."

Ladies and gentlemen, LaTroy on LaTroy.

In honor of Club Trillion, which is one minute played and no other stats recorded on the box score ("1-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0" or so), I hereby introduce to our readership (*silence*) the LaTroy Challenge. Take LaTroy's ESPN box score (for last night, "0.1 3 4 4 1 0 1"), determine whether the resultant number (ignoring decimals) is prime or composite, and then SIT ON A DIESEL-POWERED 14 INCH BLACK PULLSTART DILDO.

That's not that fun of a game though, so instead of parroting Mark Titus, let's steal Jeff Foxworthy's idea and play another rousing round of "You might be LaTroy Hawkins."

For example, "if you were responsible for eighty percent of the earned runs scored against your team, and you only recorded one out, you might be LaTroy Hawkins." Or, "if your ERA is higher than your IQ, you might be LaTroy Hawkins." Finally, "if the total number of outs you recorded in your last appearance was the same as the number of wild pitches, swings and misses, and home runs in that appearance, you might be LaTroy Hawkins."

For that last one, you basically have to be LaTroy Hawkins.

"I Wish It Was Only Headlights"

The Bucks took it right on dem der chin last weekend. I listened to Friday's game on the radio in the car, and while both teams sounded pretty pathetic, at least we were up three (albeit 34-31) at the half.

After about arranging just a couple affairs, I got to HBC's and somehow we're down 20. Buehler? This tease made Game 7 look merciful.

Oberon's right that next year's team looks promising (although less attractive to LeBron, WE MIGHT NOT GET LEBRON NEXT YEAR GUYS) with Jennings, Bogut and Delfino. Early poll: Will Jennings's European experience mature him past a sophomore slump? (p.s. I love you, but shoot a little better next year.) Will Andrew Bogut's bionic arm be cooler than Oscar Pistorious's legs? Will the Brewers win more games than the Bucks? Can LaTroy Hawkins keep his ERA under Delfino's PPG? Stay tuned for the next episode of First Round and Outers.

Food Shortage Concerns Spark Special Session

Madison, WI. State legislators voted unanimously to hold an emergency hearing tonight to prepare for the arrival of Marquette Mens Basketball's latest recruit. Lawmakers are concerned that there is simply not enough food in the state of Wisconsin to feed both Prince Fielder and the 295-pound recruit Davante Gardner.

"We thought we were in the clear when C.C. [Sabathia] went to the Yankees," said one lawmaker who requested to remain anonymous. "Now we are put in a difficult position. Either some soup kitchens close or our star athletes will need to slim down."

Lawmakers hope to reach a short-term agreement on how to prepare for Gardner's arrival, but also want to establish a program to set aside food reserves for future super-sized athletes.

A phone call to Prince Fielder's residence was not returned. An anonymous source close to Fielder said he mostly feared for his own life.

"Prince will be fine. It's the rest of us I'm worried about. When he runs out of food, it's only a matter of time until my body starts to look delicious to him. Frankly, I think it's in his capacity to consume the whole front office, maybe even the team."

(stock photo)

Badger Glory: Chris Solinsky Sets White Man's 10k Record

To ease certain Badgers' animosity about the athletic prowess of state denizens after the Bucks defecated on basketball courts in Wisconsin and Georgia over the (long) weekend, Chris Solinsky (Wisconsin '07), Stevens Point resident, and SPASH alumnus, set the national record in the 10000 meter run over the weekend with a time of 26:59.6. As Wisconsin media outlets are quick to point out, Solinsky is the first non-African to break 27 minutes in the 10k. That's like running a 13:30 5k, and then running a faster one. Just thinking about running that fast for that long instinctively makes me reach for a cigarette.