NFL Draft: Dodging Bullets

Growing up a Bills fan by location, I suffered through four straight losing K-Gun Super Bowls. It was simultaneously painful and exciting to make the big game every year and lose it. After the Scott Norwood loss, the first, heartbreaking one to the Giants, we got slaughtered three games in a row. Ok.

Commencing my football-experience like that is like boning 50 Swedish supermodels compared to the possibility of the Bills drafting Jimmy Clausen. It's the fact that he had a quarterback coach since he came out of the womb, that he went to Notre Dame and told people he was going to win four national championships, and yes, that he will have forever blossomed out of Charlie Weis's man-pouch. It is also because he looks like an emu:

I prayed on Darryl Talley's spiderman undergear for the Bills to take my little brother instead of Clausen at 9 thinking that would be the end of it. But he was still sticking his head in the sandon the draft board at 41. Thank you, new Bills management, for not taking him. We're talking years of not being able to watch my favorite team without rooting for my own quarterback to get steamrolled by every superhuman roid-raging defensive player in the league.

PLEASE GET A QUARTERBACK WE CAN LIKE. I am not referring to J.P. "You will all hate me now" Losman.

Responsible for such performances as December 14, 2008, against the Jets, goddamn, he was a pretty shitty player too. NFL.com summarized the turning point as follows:

"It was over when ...
Jets safety Abram Elam sacked J.P. Losman, forcing a fumble at the Bills' 16. DE Shaun Ellis recovered the ball and rumbled into the end zone, giving the Jets a 4-point lead with 1:54 remaining in the game. Losman was intercepted by Darrelle Revis on the first play of the following drive and again by Kerry Rhodes on a last-second bomb."

Bills up three, just got the ball on the 20. Losman, back to pass, fumbles, returned for a touchdown, and then throws two picks to seal it. I watched this game with my little brother and recall yelling "SUFFER A HEART ATTACK" when Losman was scrambling around flailing the ball inside his own 20 with a three point lead and two minutes left.

Clausen would have been worse.