BREAKING NEWS!

As reported by Bill Simmons: Bennett Salvatore has been assigned to tonight's game! For those unfamiliar with Mr. Salvatore's work, let's just say that he's easily swayed by the crowd...

Milwaukee Ninja Attacks on the Rise

A 14-year-old Nicolet High School student got his dome cracked for taunting a machete-wielding 16-year-old ninja "protecting the land" behind the school. Fortunately, police think this was an isolated incident. It appears we're safe from ninjas. For now.

The students told police they were looking for a ninja after hearing that two girls walking through the wooded area the prior afternoon were confronted by a boy dressed as a ninja.

The victim split away from the group and was then confronted by the suspect, hit in the head with a 2-foot-long black metal machete and dragged down a hill. The suspect allegedly said he was "protecting the land." The assault took place on private property.

The Bayside boy, bleeding heavily from the head wound, made his way back to the high school. Police were called at 3:24 p.m. He was taken to the hospital, where his wounds require 20 stitches.

Lesson learned. Don't fuck with the kids that think they are ninjas. They are probably a little fucked in the head.

h/t loyal reader William.

Brewers At The Movies

ODE asks the Brewers "What movie are you most excited to see this summer?"

Predators

NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

Iron Man 2

The Expendables

The Losers

The Losers

A Nightmare On Elm Street

Tonight Matters

If you're an NBA junkie like I am, you've heard every possible 2010 free agent rumor there is ('Bron to Chicago, 'Bron, Johnson, and Bosh to NY, Bosh in a sign and trade to LA for Bynum). This has been really, really fun to discuss. The LeBron-to-Chicago is my personal favorite, as LeBron is switching his number next year to 6 (he wouldn't be able to wear 23 in Chicago, would he?) and the Rose/Noah combo screams "Multiple Titles." But as Bill Simmons noted on a podcast this week, Chicago's front office is too dysfunctional for King James to consider signing there. But I digress...

The one thing about all of this talk that has been frustrating for me is that Milwaukee has never entered the national conversation as a potential destination for ANY of these free agents. How amazing would it be if the Bucks had a chance at, say, Carlos Boozer? Sure, he stabbed a blind guy in the back. Who hasn't? But when athletes cheat on their wives with literally hundreds of women, and the public doesn't seem to care, isn't breaking an illegal handshake deal fairly innocuous? I think it is. So, how does a lineup of Jennings, Salmons, Delfino, Boozer, and Bogut sound to Bucks fans? That's a Conference-Finals quality group right there. But it has no chance of happening, as the Bucks are already over the salary cap for next season ($55.2 million committed on the estimated $53.6 million cap). However...

The Milwaukee Bucks are very well positioned to make a run at a marquee free agent at the conclusion of next season. The Bucks currently have $24.6 million committed to the 11-12 season. While this number will certainly rise (only 5 players are under contract for 11-12: Bogut, Jennings, Delfino, Ilyasova, and Bell), there is a very good chance the Bucks will have $20+ million to spend in the Summer of 2011.

You may ask "Oberon, if all the good players are free agents this summer, who's left in 2011 to spend our 20 large on?" That's a great question. How's this: Carmelo Anthony, Tayshaun Prince, Shane Battier, Troy Murphy, Zach Randolph, Jason Richardson, Tony Parker, and Andrei Kirilenko. Salmons will also be an UFA, so we'll have the option to resign him as well.

That is why tonight is so important. If we can get to Round 2 this season AND next season, it will show the 2011 crop of FA's that this team is on the brink. Let's face it, no one is coming to Milwaukee for the weather or the fine dining. But there are players, and one in particular, who appreciate the legacy that a championship brings elite ballers. I'm looking at you, Melo. Let's say King James stays in Cleveland (still the most likely outcome this summer) - James' supporting cast is Jamison and Williams for the next few years. While the Cavs would be perennial contenders, they wouldn't be shoo-ins for the title every year(as James, Rose, and Noah would be in Chicago). In that scenario, Melo will survey the landscape and choose his supporting cast. If you were Melo, wouldn't you want to run with Jennings (someone who raises his game when it matters and can take the scoring burden off your shoulders when necessary while sticking to the "creative" roll first and foremost) and Bogut (a shotblocker and rebounder who doesn't need the ball to get his 15ppg)? Isn't that a recipe for a championship team? Throw in Salmons or Jason Richardson at the two, so you have a sweet shooting compliment to keep defenses honest. We'd need a banger at the four (say, Leon Powe?) to rotate with Delfino and Ilyasova (think of the versatility), and they'd be set. That's a very, very good team.

It's likely a pipe dream one way or another. But there's a glimmer of hope if the brass have an inspiring playoff run this year and a successful run next year to tout Melo. So, Brandon has his chance to convince Melo down the line, just as Rose and Noah played their hearts out in the Cleveland series in an attempt to get James to sign with Chicago this summer. But it starts tonight at 6pm. I can't wait to see if he's up to it...

Fear the Deer...

Rick Reilly is Surprised That He Receives Mostly Negative Feedback

Reilly's "teaser" on ESPN's front page adjacent to the link to the *shudder* full text:

Good thing about sticks and stones, because these
e-mails are angry.

Emphasis his. The first line of the *shudder* full text column (which, admittedly, I only read after thinking "if I make fun of Rick's idiotic tagline (not only is it ordinary that feedback is negative, because negative people feed back, he must at some level be aware that he is an extraordinarily lucky beneficiary of an industry in which evaluating ability is subjective and imprecise) I should track the placenta of his journalistic abortion") sheepishly admits that people in fact like him:

OK, I take that back. Plenty of mail in the last month has been plenty insulting. But such is the mailbag, the place where it's my turn to be the piñata

He only made that analogy because his teenage child (hypothetically? I do not know if Reilly has spawned, and something inherent in this passage is telling me I'm not allowed to fucking google him, and instead I must author this diatribe) showed him how to make a tilde.

His "mailbag" is of course unremarkable. Several of the presumably-reader-induced vignettes (most notably the knuckle-dragger who said that Donovan McNabb is washed up and that's why the Eagles weren't afraid to trade him in-division) could not have been selected other than to make Rick look reasonable. The notable exception is his Tiger Woods rant, which he closes by inferring that the commenter (or someone?) should commence legal proceedings against him. Asinine soapboxing aside, stop.

The Real Players

I usually leave the Bill Simmons adulation to Oberon, but this nugget in his recent Human Power Rankings is shocking:

12. Danny Crawford
Just the facts according to our guy Alok Pattani. Starting with the 2001 playoffs:

A. The Mavs are 2-16 in playoff games officiated by Crawford since 2001 (including Game 3 of the Spurs series, a loss) ... and 46-39 in all other playoff games. They won their first 2001 playoff game with him (Game 5 versus Utah), so they've lost 15 of the past 16.

B. Against the spread, the Mavs are 4-14 with Crawford officiating ... and 45-40 in all other playoff games.

C. They averaged 21.9 free throws in the Crawford games; 27.1 free throws in the non-Crawford games.

48-55 overall, 2-16 when Crawford officiates. A statistical method--hypergeometric distributions--can calculate the probability that an 18 game subset of the Mavs 103 playoff games would contain 2 or fewer wins. You'd assume that if you pick 18 random games from the 103, the Mavs would go 8-10, or 9-9, or thereabouts. The probability that the Mavs win 2 or fewer games? 0.000673. That's about 7 in 10,000.

What this means is that there is a 7 in 10,000 chance that the Crawford effect is coincidence. Crawford is thus the most important player on the floor in Dallas Maverick playoff games.

Smartest man in America? Tim Donaghy. Understanding that refs control the game, he bet the refs. And won. And got caught. And summarily silenced and ignored, to the point that his book (which, if the unexcerpted portions are anything like the excerpts, is probably the second-best read ever, behind Where the Red Fern Grows) cannot get published.

Hey David Stern, YOUR REFS ARE BIASED, PLEASE DEAL WITH THIS. If the Deer get jobbed tomorrow night, you better put some good ol' California cheddar on that there shitburger, because you ain't getting any of the real deal.

Let's Not Start Suckin' Each Other's Popsicle Sticks Just Yet

Yes, that was a tremendous win for the Bucks last night. Going away. 91-87. Down 8 heading into the 4th. Yes, very impressive. But riddle me this: are we going to see another game where Joe Johnson stupidly picks up his 6th foul on a charge? Or the Hawks going 2/11 from three, after shooting 10/19 on Monday? Above all else, those were the stories from last night's game.

(Martin Lawrence: "Damn this guy is white!" Carlos Mencia: "He's a Bucks' fan.")

The Bucks now have an excellent opportunity to close out, at home, on Friday. The Bradley should be rocking, even if the League didn't do us any favors by choosing a 5pm tip-off. Yes, 5pm. Tickets in the section I sat in on Monday (purchased for $55/each on the wonderful www.seatgeek.com) are now selling for $681 each. W.O.W. So I assume everyone in attendance on Friday really wants to be there. It'll be a good crowd. But I wouldn't buy futures on worker productivity in Milwaukee on Friday afternoon, though. The bars will be hoppin'. Major Goolsby, I salute you...

Bucks Down Three At Halftime In Atlanta

Basically their season, right? 46-43 at the half in Atlanta. If they can push through and win this one, 70% chance to win the series in Game 6 at home. If they lose, good luck winning Game 7 in Atlanta, even if they can get there.

Should We Overreact?

Trevor Hoffman has now appeared in 8 games this season. After last night's 7-3 loss to the Pirates, Mr. Hoffman has given up runs in 5 of those contests. He's also allowed 16 base runners and 12 runs in 8 innings of work. He is also 42. Rust or Gassed? We just don't know at this point.

One thing I do know is that Mr. Hoffman has only had one season since 2002 in which his ERA was over 2.98. And he was fantastic last year. He should get the benefit of the doubt.

Then again, we're in uncharted territory here. Mariano Rivera is still going strong, but he's *only* 40. Dennis Eckersly was closing games at 42, but his last season of "lights out" pitching was at 37. And Eck was 42 over a decade ago. Times change, and with that come advances in training (yoga/pilates) and medicine ("medicine"). We don't really know when Mr. Hoffman will drop off. Let's give him 20 more games and reevaluate then...

2-2

There's so much to like about this Bucks team. Brandon Jennings is the type of player who can do anything at any time. Carlos Delfino is something of a fan favorite (at least when he's hitting 6 threes). John Salmons can get to 22 points without you even noticing. And even Dan Gadzuric can play 16 quality minutes in a must-win playoff game.

I was in section 203, row C, seat 5 to watch a wonderful Game 4 last night. To those unfamiliar with the Bradley, that's 3 rows behind the Bucks' bench, in the corner (the extreme upper right of the TV screen for everyone at home). The image above is from the 4th quarter, with Joe Johnson launching another beautiful rainbow that, ultimately, didn't matter (does anyone shoot with more arc than this guy? It's like the St. Louis Arch for goodness sake).

Anyway, the Bucks played hard throughout, winning 111-104. Save for a slow start at the beginning of the 1st Quarter, the Bucks controlled the entire game. Some observations you won't find at ESPN:

• The crowd did a great job affecting the game. Josh Smith was HAMMERED with "boos" every time he touched the ball. He was agitated throughout.
• Jennings was timid in the first, getting yanked about 6 minutes in. I heard Skiles screaming at him to be more aggressive. He did. It worked. Skiles gets a Tommy Point.
• The fathers of the Energee! girls are one step away from failing as fathers.
• Gadzuric responds to the crowd. I've seen this every time I've been to a Bucks game. That contract must really be in his head - he wants to live up to it, but when the crowd turns on him, he becomes less than worthless. He was not worthless last night.
  
• The starting five of the Hawks are the most athletic in the league (OK, only if you sub Crawford for Bibby, who died 2 years ago). I'm shocked we were even with them in total rebounds last night (33-33).
• Pachulia is a dick. (Not hard-hitting journalism, but I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it).
• The drinks in the VIP Lounge are very, very strong.
• Bango is Bad Ass. (that's me in white, right above the left side of the basket, waiving a white towel 20 seconds in like I'm one of Palin's kids...)
  

Looking forward to Game 5, but I can't help but wonder what might have been had the big Aussie not tried to dunk on a breakaway a few weeks back...

Say Goodbye to Prince

The Phillies just signed Ryan Howard to a massive 5 year, $125 million extension. If that set the market, we should enjoy the ride of HeBrewer-Prince while it lasts...

Who Does Craig Counsell? He Pingping

A regular guest column by Brewer infielder Craig Counsell.

Lately I've noticed that, as a society, we lack the appropriate level of sensitivity towards dwarfism. As a person of short stature, I have experienced firsthand the daily challenges little people face. But our world does not have to be this way. With a wee bit of empathy and effort, we can make our fun-sized citizens feel welcome.

Last night I watched the program "Amazing Race" on CBS. The show featured He Pingping, the world's shortest man until he died at age 21 earlier this year. He was clearly on the show for comic relief - to be laughed at. "Ha ha. Look at the tiny little man smoke a ton of cigarettes. That cigarette is bigger than his head!"

Those cigarettes he smoked for our entertainment? They killed him. He's gone. No matter how hard we laugh at him, He Pingping is never coming back.


Marinate on that for a hot minute. He Pingping died, in part, so we could laugh at him (and his tiny little body).


At what point did the show's producers lose their humanity? He Pingping is a human being. With (tiny) feelings! Not only is it completely unacceptable to belittle those with dwarfism, but to poke fun at one of them just weeks after the untimely end to their short life? That's cold, CBS.

Let's stop selling short our vertically challenged citizens and start treating them with the respect they deserve.

Never let the memory of He Pingping fade. Personally, I like to watch the YouTube tribute when the time is right. I don't do it for a quick laugh or to feel better about my own height issues. I do it because I want to remember who He Pingping was and share his beautiful spirit. Soldier on, little hero. Soldier on.

Only in Wisconsin: Drinking and Driving

While drunk driving accidents are a nationwide epidemic that destroy lives, families, communities, and a good fuckin' night getting shitplowed, Wisconsinites, at least comparatively, turn a bloodshot, glassy eye to such matters. One of our State Reps was recently censured for three OWIs in one year. His poll numbers are probably through the roof.

One Madison woman showed how true Badgers cope with alcohol-related vehicle problems. She hit a utility pole in an Oscar Mayer parking lot at 1:15 a.m. on Friday. Whew, no injuries. But the stressful crash combined with the chance that she'd be hit with a 5th OWI were wearing on her nerves, so she did what anyone would do:

"'The driver left the scene but was located by police inside a nearby bar,' said police spokesman Joel DeSpain."

Stealth Mode...

Is a 49er.
Goodnight, sweet Prince. May you enjoy your destiny as the Second Coming of Ronnie Lott...

I am now terrified of the Willis/Mays Combo. Look at this guy. LOOK at him:

That's a baaaaaad man. 3 years in the league. Here are his finishes in total tackes: #1, #3, #1. And he hurts people when he tackles. That's going to be quite the team. Don't sleep on the Niners this year...

NFL Draft: Dodging Bullets

Growing up a Bills fan by location, I suffered through four straight losing K-Gun Super Bowls. It was simultaneously painful and exciting to make the big game every year and lose it. After the Scott Norwood loss, the first, heartbreaking one to the Giants, we got slaughtered three games in a row. Ok.

Commencing my football-experience like that is like boning 50 Swedish supermodels compared to the possibility of the Bills drafting Jimmy Clausen. It's the fact that he had a quarterback coach since he came out of the womb, that he went to Notre Dame and told people he was going to win four national championships, and yes, that he will have forever blossomed out of Charlie Weis's man-pouch. It is also because he looks like an emu:

I prayed on Darryl Talley's spiderman undergear for the Bills to take my little brother instead of Clausen at 9 thinking that would be the end of it. But he was still sticking his head in the sandon the draft board at 41. Thank you, new Bills management, for not taking him. We're talking years of not being able to watch my favorite team without rooting for my own quarterback to get steamrolled by every superhuman roid-raging defensive player in the league.

PLEASE GET A QUARTERBACK WE CAN LIKE. I am not referring to J.P. "You will all hate me now" Losman.

Responsible for such performances as December 14, 2008, against the Jets, goddamn, he was a pretty shitty player too. NFL.com summarized the turning point as follows:

"It was over when ...
Jets safety Abram Elam sacked J.P. Losman, forcing a fumble at the Bills' 16. DE Shaun Ellis recovered the ball and rumbled into the end zone, giving the Jets a 4-point lead with 1:54 remaining in the game. Losman was intercepted by Darrelle Revis on the first play of the following drive and again by Kerry Rhodes on a last-second bomb."

Bills up three, just got the ball on the 20. Losman, back to pass, fumbles, returned for a touchdown, and then throws two picks to seal it. I watched this game with my little brother and recall yelling "SUFFER A HEART ATTACK" when Losman was scrambling around flailing the ball inside his own 20 with a three point lead and two minutes left.

Clausen would have been worse.

Let's Be Objective About This...

When I look back at The Teddy Drafts, one thing is easy to deduce: Mr. Thompson is an all-or-nothing kind of guy in the First Round. Let's take a look, shall we:

2005: Aaron Rodgers. Completely useless for three years (why doesn't anyone else cry havoc on this point?) but irreplaceable now. No one is upset we have him - just that there was a void for 3 years... and we completely cut ties with the face of the franchise because he was waiting in the wings.

2006: A.J. Hawk. Gah! Total bomb. Your argument is invalid if you argue otherwise. Linebackers picked in the top five need to be Junior Seau or Derrick Thomas. They cannot be Mike Walter.

2007: Justin Harrell. That was fun.

2008: /slices wrists

2009: B.J. Raji and Clay Matthews. Well, I gotta say, those two talked me off a ledge. Raji looks like he will be an above-average NT for a long, long time. And as the banner indicates, I'm in love with Matthews.

So what's the final tally? 2 perrenial Pro Bowlers (Rodgers and Matthews), one above-average NT (Raji), and 2 completely worthless bodies (Hawk, Harrell). Feels like I should give Mr. Thompson the benefit of the doubt.

The newest Packer, Bryan Bulaga, fit a need. He may also have the chops to be our LT for 10 years. We needed a LT of the future (TJ Lang wasn't the answer). But this pick might be a little too much like the Rodgers pick in 05: we've got someone at the position who is more than adequate now, and could be for another 2-3 years. WHICH MEANS! Mr. Bulaga might not give this team anything for awhile. That's the part I don't like. And that's why I didn't want Charlie Brown, either.

On the other hand, no less than the Great Peter King of Sports Illustrated thought Mr. Bulaga would be the 5th overall pick. As Kiper would say, "Great Value There!" The jury is out, but after last year, I don't have any basis to get all worked up over what a horrible pick this is. Let's leave it at that...

The best news of the night? The Vikings traded out of the first round, passing up Sergio Kindle and Taylor Mays (I don't want to live in a world where we'd have to face Purple Jesus AND Purple Mays... /cues Jimmy Hendrix). They've got the 2nd pick in the 2nd round, probably choosing the slight trade-down to ask God what he wants them to do.

In other good news: the Bears still haven't taken anyone (no pick until round 3) and the Lions took Suh and Best. Packers fans, bare with me here: yes, Suh and Best will be good. And they'll be fun to watch. But they went to the best possible team: THE LIONS... We aren't losing to the Lions anytime soon - so at no risk of getting an "L", we get to see two of the top 5 most exciting prospects in this years' draft, twice a year for the foreseeable future. Not too shabby...

One last note: Mays, as stated above, is still on the board. Please Mr. Thompson, give up a 3 and do what you need to do to acquire this fine young man. Packers fans need us some stealth mode...

Bryan Bulaga

Oberon wanted Mays. Thompson wants corn-fed, goofy-looking body mass. One intangible that slipped under the radar: Bulaga's stealth mode would suck.

Jail

Watching old school Pride (Shamrock v Frye is good shit) there was an ad for another TV show. "Jail". From the house and television you presumably worked to pay for, you watch people in jail.

Rick Reilly, NFL Draft, Anger

Rick Reilly is one of those people who makes me feel pretty miserable about life. He has carte-blanche to 99% of the sports world because even Reilly pub is good pub while simultaneously appropriating an undoubtedly ridiculous amount of money from ESPN for doing so. He's the Paris Hilton of writers, except I'm already well aware that rich attractive women enjoy inappropriate privilege.

His newest bit on the NFL draft is like Heidi Montag's fourteenth surgery. Entitled "Not feeling the NFL draft", Reilly explains by example that not all high draft picks have panned out, discusses which teams drafted the most Pro Bowl appearances from 1997-2007 (the Colts, 37; the part of the column where Rick put a team's name next to a number corresponding to the number of Pro Bowl appearances by their drafts picks over a ten year span was actually enjoyable and might even form the basis for coffeemaker conversion tomorrow), and then concludes that "The NFL draft comes off as though the story ends after the last pick, as though the movie ends the moment Dorothy's house lands on the witch; put on your coat, the movie is over, THE END.

What it really is, of course, is THE START."

I left off his last reference to the Cleveland Browns (second-to-last in his statistical experiment; even though the Lions had the fewest (4) draft pick Pro Bowls, Reilly oddly spent considerable fingerpower on the Browns' draft picks and then hated on them in a disconcertingly-unidentifiable way instead of the Lions in his finale) for brevity.

I do not understand Rick's uppercasory infatuation with THE END of the draft. Admittedly, I've never watched it to the end on television, but I doubt a large Chinaman whacks a gong after the last pick and mourners ceremoniously leave the little draft shithole having just witnessed something terminate. To the extent we're describing an event that happens over a finite period of time, that ends, the NFL draft absolutely ends. But not like Rick says.

Let's sum up what Mr. Reilly just shat on ESPN: (1) "Not feeling the NFL draft"; (2) "It's like reading a novel with the last chapter torn out, watching a movie with no third act, falling in love after the first kiss but before you've tried her spaghetti"; (3) scintillating numbers; (4) "What it really is, of course, is the start". RICK REILLY HAS ALMOST CERTAINLY BEEN TO THE PLAYBOY MANSION BECAUSE HE HAS WRITTEN THINGS ANALOGOUS TO THE ABOVE.

Yes boss, I'll be in at 7:45, can't wait, thanks.

Brewer Porn in the Shower

Dave Bush: Ooooooooh boy. Just another game, right? If Raynor hadn't gotten that infield single in the seventh, I woulda thrown a two hitter. A two hitter Doug, man, that's a good day's work. You know what I like the most about only giving up two hits? Going to bed feeling satisfied about my production. Production. That's really what Dave Bush is about.


Doug Davis: Why am I wearing this D-Bags jersey? Anyways, Dave, yes, I have always been an admirer of your hard work and devotion to the craft. A three-hitter--

Dave: --well it's really like two hits.

Doug: Ok you're right, two hits, that's something to be proud of.

Dave: Thanks Doug. It really means a lot coming from a seasoned veteran like yourself. I think you're really about to turn it around. You only walked one guy last game, that's something to build on.

Doug: Yeah, it's been frustrating.

Dave: Granted, you only managed to stay in there for four and two-thirds, so how many guys could you really walk right? *giggling* HEY DOUG, DIDJA SEE THAT RIGHTIES ARE HITTING .435 OFF OF YOU THIS YEAR? You're like the Honus Wagner of pitchers.

Doug: You're an idiot man.


Dave: Hey Catcher.

Doug: I'm leaving.

A Note to Los Amigos

Recently MLB had a genius marketing idea. They figured out a way to attract more Mexicans than mariachi. The answer is so fucking simple. You're an idiot for not thinking of it first. Want Spanish-speakers to flock to your market? Simply replace the word "The" in your moniker to "Los". Watch how this works: The Mets becomes Los Mets. Instead of mets.com, our amigos go to losmets.com. The annoying embedded video is still in English but you get to "inhabilitar video" instead of "disable autoplay."

Donde esta loscerveceros.com? Surely the Brewers want to cash in on this fiesta. Squatters are holding the domain for a hefty $350 ransom. Chump change to an MLB team, right? It seems only a matter of time. Chorizo won't sleep until this shit goes live.

*Cough*

Please forgive us for the lack of posts today... We're getting ready for the Bucks game... and Badgerstyle is knitting some clothes...

Go Eyjafjallajokull Yourself

Ryan Braun: Hey, you hear about the monster fucking volcano in Iceland or some shit.

Prince Fielder: You talkin about Eyjafjallajökull?

Braun: What you call me?

Fielder: Nah, man. Eyjafjallajökull is its name. Translated it means "Eyja-fjalla glacier" or "island-mountain glacier."

Braun: The fuck's wrong with you?

Fielder: Me and the wife went hiking there a couple years back. The view from Fimmvörðuháls, the trail between the Eyjafjallajökull and Mýrdalsjökull glaciers, is to die for.

Gregg Zaun: It's pronounced Eyjafjallajökull. Say it right.

Braun: Eyjafjallajökull?

Zaun: Eyjafjallajökull.

Braun: Eyjafjallajökull?

Fielder: Say it right you fucker. Eyjafjallajökull.

Monday Morning Hangover

(where we check in on all the relevant Wisconsin Sports News from the weekend)

Bucks 92, Hawks 102: Mr. Jennings put up the 4th highest scoring total by a rookie in his playoff debut, but it wasn't enough. The ESPN crawl said it all: Starting Frontcourts: Mil: 16 pts, 1 blk; Atl: 39 pts, 9 blks.

Brewers @ Nationals: 3-5, 0-8, 11-7. Since the Nats only averaged about 18k fans for these games, I'm not sure they even happened.

Badger Baseball Softball: 3-0, 1-5. The Lady Badgers split the weekend series with Purdue behind an electric performance by senior Letty Olivarez on Saturday. Letty couldn't keep the scoreless streak going as who the fuck cares.

HBC And Badgerstyle Fishing

HBC and I went fishing today. I heard about this nice spring-fed pond in Madison where maybe we could net a few trout, so we took the ladies (our no loyal readers must be shocked that people lame enough to compile a blog such as the below can refer to sentient beings as our "ladies") over there for a nice afternoon of fishing.

Unbeknownst to us, this was a retard pond. In a moment of fatal honesty, I did see the sign on the way in. I also saw all of the trout in the water. Final count: Badgerstyle four rainbows and a brownie, HBC two puny fish undeserving of special classification. (We threw them all back, don't worry.)

Brewers Score 10 In First Inning; Hawkins Trying To Sober Up

The Brewers scored 10 in the first off Jason Marquis (aging ex-Card, OFFER HIM MILLONS) and the Nationals and are holding onto a fairly secure lead. After his ODE interview last week, LaTroy was sure his number would not be called until at least next Tuesday. Now he is chugging Alka-Seltzer and applying Visine with a garden hose in the bullpen.

Doug Davis justified his roster spot by improving his ERA to 11.25, allowing 11 hits and scattering 5 runs over 4 and 2/3. A Brewer Porn focusing on whether LaTroy or Doug Davis will first be able to say that he allows less than a run an inning is in the works.

Brewer Porn: Ruh Roh

Rick Peterson: I've coached all over the majors, but this is a particularly inscrutable group we got here. Yovani's swimming in his money, Jeff Suppan hurt his pitching arm swimming in his money, and WE SIGNED LATROY HAWKINS SO I HAVE TO PITCH HIM SOMETIMES. But with LaTroy it's different, we all know he's bad; goddamn Randy Wolf and Dave Bush actually think they're legitimate major leaguers. And now Livan Hernandez, who I know for a fact is 62 years old, made our offense flail around like a Badger dunk contest.


Ken Macha: Hold on just one minute there Mr. *air quotes* Pitching Guru. We're less than two weeks into this campaign, and I can't have you be bad-mouthing my boys after they've only sucked for several weeks.

Rick: You're telling me Dave Bush, Jeff Suppan, and LaTroy Hawkins have only sucked for several weeks? They're "gonna rebound"? Jeff Suppan had two good starts for the Cardinals in the postseason six years ago, you saw the box score, and you threw him how much money?

Ken: CONFIDENCE. CONFIDENCE.


Rick: What's our catcher doing behind the laundry bin?

Ken:

Hawk-Eye: The LaTroy Hawkins Domestic Violence Threat Level Is HIDE YOUR DAUGHTERS

The Milwaukee Domestic Violence Authority, in partnership with NOW and the Women's Healing After Chronic Knocks, advises you to hide your fucking daughters. This message is being broadcast in Washington D.C., where LaTroy's ERA just spiked to 11.81. Not a career high (remember 2006 when the Hawk famously had to beg Tim McClelland to call Albert Pujols out at first to bring his ERA down from infinity) but it is still unlikely that LaTroy will feel like cuddling tonight.

Movie Night

While this is a sports website, I will, from time to time, post on topics of cultural relevance. If you don't like it, we'll give you a full refund for your subscription.

Anyway, I didn't want to waste my time watching the Crew lose to the Nationals, so I went to Kick-Ass last night with my better half. She did not like Kick-Ass. I liked Kick-Ass. I liked it very much.

A brief synopsis: Kick-Ass centers around an average teenage boy who, one day, wonders "why hasn't anyone ever tried being a superhero?" He buys a wet-suit, fashions some fighting sticks, and satire ensues. I laughed throughout the entire film. I was the only one. The theater was half-full late last night. Me, my lady, and 17-19 year old boys. That's it. No other females. Not one. And I'm sure no one else was in their 20s or 30s. They came for the comic-book action. And there was plenty of that. But they just didn't GET the satire.

For example: two additional "super-heroes" play prominent roles in the film. Hit Girl and her father, Big Daddy. Hit Girl is 11. She's got the mouth of a sailor (sort-of). Big Daddy is a former NYC cop. He talks like Ward Cleaver (from Leave it to Beaver). The dichotomy is F.A.N.T.A.S.T.I.C. There's also no way a typical small-town Wisconsin male teen is going to appreciate/understand that. Which is sad, because the entire film is filled with this stuff.

As I said, my lady didn't like the film. She's not a big fan of action, but her mind is quite nimble; she should have LOVED the satire and laughed along with me. But the problem was two-fold: a masturbation scene early in the movie turned her off and, more importantly, comic-book movies weren't an especially poignant topic of satire for her. She's never really enjoyed comic book movies, so she didn't really find the subtle jabs all that interesting.

This leads me to two conclusions: first, 20-30-something males will LOVE this film. Love it. Love love love it. But that's it. There isn't enough there for the teen crowd. And there isn't enough there for any other demographic that isn't into comic book movies. Sure, your lady may enjoy Kick-Ass. But I don't think she'll like it unless she also dug on Spiderman.

I recommend Kick-Ass for a gentleman's night out. Final tally: 4.5/5 cowpies...